Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Lord of the Rings - Halaal Version

MJ Khan

Three years into the caliphate of Sami Yusuf, the cruel Shaitaan Sauron plotted against Muslims. Muslims were growing progressively weaker after the passing of the Rightly Guided Leaders. Sauron, sensing this vulnerability of the Ummah, made a ring, and in it he poured all his malice and evil, in an attempt to ensnare all the practicing Muslims on earth. Sauron grew stronger as Muslims weakened, but finally in the great alliance of Zain Bhikha, Sauron was defeated. However, the ring of Sauron was not destroyed, and what was fact, turned to legend. And legend had turned to myth, and for one thousand years, everyone had forgotten about the ring of evil. During this time, Europe stepped out of the dark ages, and with its progresses in technology, science and hedonistic consumerism, Sauron was able to regain his strength and started searching for his ring.Unknown to Sauron, Hafez Suleiman Nafsi unearthed the ring during one of his whirling dervish exercises. Not knowing its value, he called his Sheik, Buzrook Gandalf for spiritual guidance (and hopefully some monetary remuneration – rich sufi’s are a dying breed) Hazrath Gandalf, upon seeing the ring, screamed out Naoozubillah and snatched the ring from his ignorant mureed. He had to have a Mashurah with all the different ulema bodies and Muslim NGO’s. But first, he had to stop at Hobbitton for the annual Jalsa that his friend Bilbo Baggins threw. After all, he realized that you can’t save the world on an empty stomach, and the thought of tasting Bilbo’s world famous Dholl and rice filled his heart with warmth. This is where our story begins…
Hazrath Gandalf, rode his white steed Musafir, swiftly across the vast fields and paddocks of Hobbiton. It has been exactly a year since he saw his good friend Bilbo Baggins. Gandalf reflected affectionately, on their many adventures, defeating the Templars, conquering Constantinople and Spain. ‘Aah Good Memories’, thought Gandalf. Gandalf was going to be the guest of honour at Bilbo’s annual jalsa and Meelad. Even this great Honour could not suppress the burden he felt in his heart, nor could it lighten the weight he carried in his woolen pocket. ‘ Why didn’t I just go to a Daarool Uloom, instead of being self taught’, thought Gandalf. ‘That way I could have spent my time byhearting lectures by Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi instead of knowing about the significance of this cursed ring’. Not even the thought of the sweet cold Khier ( rice pudding) at Bilbo’s function, could make could brighten his spirits.The familiar yet captivating Athaan of Pippen welcomed Gandalf into Bag End. As he rode in, he saw Sam, the gardener making whudu at a rusty tap outside of Bag End. Sam, and his father have been the Baggins Gardener’s for many long years. Gandalf smiled affectionately at Sam, because even though Sam’s family were Black, the Baggin’s were good muslims who believed that everyone is equal in the eyes of Allah, ‘unlike those damn Dwarves’ thought Gandalf, ‘ acting holier than thou and calling all the other muslims Kuffar’. Gandalf sniggered to himself when he thought about the dwarves literal interpretation of the Qur’an.
‘Asalaamu Ailakum Ya Akhi’, a voice bellowed in the distance. Out waddled a stout man, not larger than five feet tall – Hobbits were well known for their diminutive nature. ‘ Wa Alaikumusalaam Buzrook’ hollered Gandalf, as the two embraced. ‘Hope the Journey went well my brother?’ asked Bilbo? Sorry for not waiting for you – I had to deal with some Jehovah’s witnesses in my backyard’. ‘No problem Hazrath’ beamed Gandalf, ‘did you ask them to show you where exactly in the bible they talk about the trinity?’ ‘Why do you think I took so long’ replied Bilbo, with a gleam in his eye. ‘I dare say you have met my nephew Frodo, Gandalf? Good boy – gets all his Salaah on time, he kept all his fasts this year as well. He protects his modesty…. Aah good boy akhi, good boy, Masha Allah’. Gandalf motioned towards the Jamaat Khana and said, let us perform our Asr, I have important news to discuss.After the Fardh Salaat, Gandalf sat with Bilbo and explained everything. Frodo entered the room and smiled. ‘Frodo my son – get Uncle Gandalf and I some bhajjias and murkhoo. Good boy Good Boy, Masha Allah’. ‘You see Bilbo Saahib’, I have to tell the other Muslims – this is big news, bigger than that Moon sighting dilemma we had three years ago, bigger than that hajj Scandal too’. ‘I remember that’, piped Bilbo, ‘those stupid dwarves insisting we had to fast thirty days because they didn’t believe the elves saw the moon. No unity, no unity’ said Bilbo, shaking his head frantically. ‘Well’, said Gandalf, ‘I intend to leave tomorrow after Fajr Insha Allah’, I still have to find Moulana Aragorn first, last I heard he was making Ziyyarut in Verulam, visiting the house of Sheik Deedat’. ‘Aah Deedat, good boy, good boy – Masha Allah’ said Bilbo. ‘ Why don’t you take Frodo and his friends’ said Bilbo. ‘Let them do some Da’wah for a change. Jihad has been ordained on them’. ‘Then it is done’ proclaimed Gandalf, Tomorrow we make haste for the fourth holiest site in Islam, after Makkah, Medinah, Al Aqsa. Tomorrow we make haste for Rivendell.
It seems that even though the various Ulema bodies cannot come to a consensus, regarding media and communications, they all have the latest in cellular technology, and everyone arrived in Rivendell timeously, except the dwarves, who stopped to read Zuhr but spent forty minutes trying to gauge which way was Qibla. As the name-calling began, we take our place at the entrance of the halka. Muslims of all different denominations start streaming in. The elvish Muslims from the Great woods, dwarves from Moriastaan, Sufi’s from all over Middle Earth. An entourage of men from Gondoristaan. Unfortunately it seems like no one bothered to inform the Shiaa’s. Each group huddled into little camps. The Great Woods elves started reciting some Islamic Rap, much to the dismay of the dwarves, who muttered ‘Bidaat, bidaat’ beneath their breath. A splinter group of men sat in the corner and whipped out their tasbees and started reading Zikr. It appears that they didn’t want to get involved in these affairs. The meeting commenced with the arrival of Moulana Aragorn and Moulana Elrond…
Elrond : Asaalamu alaikum to all that have come in. I know many of you have traveled great distances to join us in this Mubaruk Istima to exalt the oneness of Allah.
Boromir : Alhumdulillah
Gandalf : Actually we are here to discuss the Ring of Sauron, and to decide what to do with it. The ring is filled with fitnah- we have to destroy it
Elrond : Right Right brother Gandalf, the Istima is next weekend Insh Allah. I forgot that Easter is next weekend. Maaf
Mufti Gimli : There is no such ring, we do not believe in all this superstition and hocus pocus. I have not come across it in any of the Hadith Kitaabs, neither has it been mentioned by our great scholars of Islam
Moulana Aragorn : That is because the Ring was created after the Wisaalat of Rasoolullah. You haven’t read about it because you only read books form the Indo – Pak region Mufti
Boromir : Astaghfirulah
Mufti Gimli : And what do you know AragornSahib? You’re beard is not even the Waajib fist length! Do not pollute my ears with your shirk.
Legolas : That Dawg is wack, aint no brudda gonna get ahead. Aight. Don’t worry Aragorn – the Nation of Elves, we got your back, word up to your mazhab
Boromir : Subhanallah
Mufti Gimli : Why are you imitating the Kuffar you ignorant elves. Allah’s wrath be on you. You don’t even have a beard. WaNaaoozubillah. And pull your pants up. We can all see your underwear. Have you no modesty. And your pants are below your ankles, fold them you kaafir. And your long long hair – like women. Disgusting!
Legolas : Yo Dawg – The prophet has long hair. And speaking about women – where are all our sisters tonight. Why aren’t they here at the meeting? No Hijabbis in the hizzy?
Mufti Gimli : A women’s place is in the home
Moulana Aragorn : That isn’t true. Women were at the forefront of Islam during the prophet’s time you backward dwarf!
Mufti Gimli : Fat Lot you can say Aragorn. Running around with Elronds daughter, without Nikkah – probably fornicating. Astagfirullah – Allah’s curse on you.
Gandalf : Brothers, keep your personal issues at bay, we have to decide what to do with this ring. We have just learnt that Saruman the wise is in cahoots with Sauron
Boromir : Astaghfirullah
Mufti Gimli : Saruman! That Kuffarri Zionist. I never trusted that one.
Legolas : Does that Boromir say anything else? That crackers vocab is lacking dawg
Aragorn : Gimli, How can Saruman be a Zionist – There is no Israel in Middle Earth
Gandalf : ENOUGH!! We need to destroy this ring
Boromir : Insha Allah
Elrond : Cant we read Ayatul Kursi and blow on it or something?
Gandalf : It can only be destroyed at the place where it was made. We have to travel to Mordor, passing treacherous lands, until we reach the fiery Crack of Doom where we shall thrust it.
Legolas : Sounds Whack
Gimli : The Elf has a point. Best if we send those four Hobbits to destroy it. Allah will protect them
Gandalf : They are too young to undertake this journey- we shall accompany them, besides, if its in my taqdeer to fall into a chasm in some abandoned mine shaft, so be it. Allahu Alam
And so the Fellowship departed from Rivendell, to destroy the ring. Stay Tuned for part two

Hey There Delilah

Hey There Jameelah
Sung to the Tune of Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's

Hey there Jameelah
What's it like in Baghdad City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight I feel so shitty
Yes I do
The whole world faced its back towards you
I swear it's true

Hey there Jameelah
Don't you worry about the ordnance
and the cluster bombs are only
for your freedom I assure you
Close your eyes
the threat of WMD’s were our disguise
to capitalize
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to seeOh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oil I want to see

Hey there Jameelah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday the U.N will step right in and
We'll have it good
We'll have the safety we knew we would
Our war is good
Hey there Jameelah
I've got so much left to do
Invade Iran, Sudan and the East
To give them democracy
Liberate them all
Even more evil dictators will fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But we’ve got tanks and armoured cars
We’d just nuke you if we had no other way
The world would all be sick of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them could stop our show
Jameelah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And we’re to blame

Hey there Jameelah
You be good and don't you diss me
Two more years and Iraq will self destruct
And We'll be making history like we do
You'll know it's all cause of GW2
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Jameelah here's to you
This one's for you
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oh it's oil I want to see
Oil I want to see


Matrix - The Halaal Version

Ive decided to keep the original names and settings, but rather change the dialogue (OK, so Trinity doesnt go with the whole Muslim feel, but hey - its a cool name so i'm keeping it). Also, I seem to be high on Cough Syrup as everything is swirling around me so not sure if any of this will make sense :P i'l just start typing and stop when I see double.
A computer screen.
We are on-line, on MIRC, on the Islam channel.
FootNSync: I heard Morpheus has been on this board.
Sexcchik786: Morpheus doesn't even exist and the Matrix is nothing but a scare tactic that parents use to frighten their kids like Mias farm
M3 ZN: Sexcchik a/s/l mwah
Sexcchik786: Get a life M3
Conspiracy Khalid: The Matrix is a euphemism for the government.
FootNsync: No, The Matrix is the system controlling our lives.
Mo Mo: You mean Shariah?
FootNsync: No, I mean Kajoor!
Digital Molvi: Kajoor Zinbabad!!!
Neo is sitting back, munching on some murkhoo and reading the whole conversation, while shaking his head. 'Chootias', he mutters as he crunches on a particularly crispy segment.
All of a sudden a message flashes up on his screen
Do you want to know what the Matrix is, Neo?
Neo is frozen when he reads his name.
If you want to know, follow the Arafat Keffiya.
Just then someone knocks on the door. Neo thinking that its SAFACT coming to raid his house for pirated software stays quiet. A second knock jilts him slightly but then he hears a familiar voice. 'Hey Akhi, open up. Its Iqbal'.
'What do you want Iqbal?' Neo asks quite bluntly
Iqbal - 'Do you have copies of the latest Sami Yusuf Akhi? We're really into the whole meditaranean thing right now. Gonna light a hubbly bubbly and chill'
Neo - 'Twenty Rands Iqbal, but remember, this is Awakening records and not some Pakistani studio so if you get caught with it, we never met'
Iqbal - dont worry Akhi, there is no copyright in Islam, this is a Jewish concept made to make Jewish companies like Microsoft rich. Why dont you join us? We just about to put the double apple and mint mix in the hookah - my personal favourite
Neo - No thanks man, maybe another time.
Neo then sees a Palestinian Keffiya wrapped around Iqbals bicep.
Iqbal sensing that Neo is staring at the scarf - Oh This. You like it? Latest fashion in Milan I hear. Allah u Akbar.
Neo joins them and they go to the Bombay to Beirut Restaurant to smoke a hookah. At the club a lady approaches him
Trinity - Asalaam u Alaikum Neo.
Neo - Wa Alaikumus salaam. How did you know my --
Trinity - I know a lot about you. I've been wanting to meet you for some time.
Neo - Who are you?
Trinity- My name is Trinity.
Neo - Jis-Laaik!
Trinity - What?
Neo I just thought... you were a guy.
Trinity - Most guys do.
Neo is a little embarrassed.
Neo Do you want to go somewhere and talk?
Trinity - no thanks. I dont walk with strange people, and you arent my mahram. Your life is in danger Neo, there is someone I want you to meet
Trinity takes Neo to see Morpheus
INT. ROOM 1313 Across the room, a dark figure stares out the tall windows veiled with decaying lace. He turns and his smile lights up the room.
Morpheus - Salaams Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. Please Behta. Come. Sit. Aaja.
They sit across from one another in cracked, burgundy- leather chairs.
Morpheus - I imagine, right now, you must be feeling a bit like youve just read three hundred rakaats of taraweeh. A little bit disoriented and tired?
Neo -You could say that.
Morpheus - hmm. Acha. I can see it in your eyes. Lets get into it. Do you believe in taqdeer, Neo?
Neo - No.
Morpheus - Why not?
Neo - Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus - I know exactly what you mean. As children, we do not separate the supernatural from the logical. We are told to learn only that which is given to us in our Madressah Books. Our Jusdaans represent the beggining and end of our learning. But I see that you read. You read therefore you are free Neo
Neo - Free from what?
Morpheus - From the Matrix.
Neo loocks at Morpheus's eyes but only sees a reflection of himself.
MORPHEUS Do you want to know what it is, Neo?
Neo swallows and nods his head.
Morpheus - It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from Haq.
Neo - What Haq?
Morpheus That you are a slave, Neo.
Neo - No Seriously Uncle, whats the Matrix?
Morpheus - Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.
Neo - How?
Morpheus - Hold out your hands.
Morpheus Holds two pills in his hands, a red and a blue pill.
Morpheus - This is your last chance. No going back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed with a massive erection that will go away four hours and life will continue. You take the red pill and it breaks the fast that you were in all this time.
Neo - The casings look like thay have bovine gelatin, are these pills even Sanha approved?
Morpheus - Its a matrix, A MATRIX! Just say bismillah and pop one in your mouth, I dont have all day to explain this to you. I havent read Esha yet. Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.
Neo opens his mouth and swallows the red pill.
We then see the sequence where Neo's body is released from the pod and he awakens to see Morpheus
Morpheus - Welcome, to the Dunya. We are aboard my ship, the Musafir. It is small, and cramped, but very homely. We are on our way to Zion, the last outpost for free men.
Neo - Why do you call it Zion?
Morpheus - There used to be some Natives carried over from the previous Matrix who used to live there but we occupied the land with our superior weaponry, hence Zion
Neo - Makes sense to me.
Morpheus - Before we do anything, we have to train you. Tank, load up the Jihad training.
Neo spends the afternoon learning wrestling, archery, stone throwing as well as how to fire an AK 47.
Morpheus - Now that you are prepared, we have to see the Oracle. She will guide you
They go to see the Oracle
Neo is seen in a waiting room of some sort, surrounded by kids who have either cancer or have just returned from Umrah. He sees a little boy bending a spoon, and is fascinated by this so he leans a little closer
Spoon boy - Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo - What truth?
Spoon boy - There is no spoon.
Neo - There is no spoon?
Spoon boy - Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
Neo - Yeah, but its sunnat to eat with your fingers so I dont see why you think youre so special following the West. Astagfirullah
Neo is then led to the Oracle, who is in the kitchen busy preparing for Iftar
A Woman is huddled beside the fryer, peering inside through the starining device.
The smell of freshly fried mince samoosas colour the air
Oracle - Smell good dont they
Oracle - I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. Yar Hamakullah
Neo - Huh, why'd you say th.. [Neo then has a violent sneeze] Aachoo!
Oracle- Thats why.
Neo - How did you know?
Oracle - Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have sneezed if if I hadn't said anything?

Concerning Iqbal

I was researching the Vernon Koekemoer phenomenon last night, and I realised that it will be cool if we had our own Muslim Chuck Norris. So I created a character named Uncle Iqbal and modelled him initially around Leon Schusters 'Abdullah Rasbanja' from the Oh Schucks series. I played around with this idea last year when I took the piss out off myself with the MJ Facts, but for Uncle Iqbal I want it to be Muslim related stuff. I posted a few on my chatbox, and Legend, Great one and Archtype contributed so I decided to blog it here.

Now - Most importantly - If you are going to come up with an Uncle Iqbal joke, make sure that it is not blasphemous. So dont say stuff like Iqbal reads eight rakaats fardh in fajr or Iqbal is the Mehdi or anything like that. And dont make it offensive to other religions

Heres a few of the best
1. Iqbal appeared on Channel Islam once. Worldspace sales went up by six hundred percent that week
2. Iqbal wasnt involved in 9/11 because Iqbal never crashes
3. Iqbal occupies Israel!
4. Iqbals mum invented the samoosa when she taught Iqbal geometry
5. Iqbal translated once in an Ijtima.. As a result Pakistan became 100% Muslim state
6. After he met Iqbal the emperor was only known as Akbar
7. The tunes from Iqbals naaths are converted into Bollywood tracks
8. Iqbal squared Zam..
9. Iqbal pelts all 3 shaytaans with one stone at hajj
10. Iqbal was denied Visa for entering America, even though he was only travelling to Laudium
11. Iqbal beat up Chuck Norris because his beard wasnt Fist Length
12. Eid is not celebrated unless Iqbal has seen the moon
13. All of Zain Bhikhas songs are written by Iqbal. In his sleep
14. Iqbal only stands for salaatus salaam when he is in the mood, but when he does, you better get your ass up!
15. Iqbal has used the same miswaak since 1964. Incidentally, his teeth are always white even after he eats paan
16. Umshini wam was actually first sung for Iqbal when he singlehandedly defeated the soviets in Afghanistan
17. Iqbal is so rich, he gives Bill Gates Zakaat
18. Iqbal figured out the Da Vinci code by just looking at the cover. He still thinks that Dan Brown is a Jaahil
19. Iqbal ate two baddam - now he remembers everything from birth
20. Iqbal doesnt need a mussallah compass - he always knows which direction to face qiblah
21. Iqbal can eat fish curry for iftaar and still not smell funny during taraweeh
22. Iqbal doesnt drink Sarbat. Milk is immediately sweetened upon touching his lips
23. Jummah had to be moved to Ellis Park stadium because Iqbal was giving the Khutba
24. Iqbal gave Isha azaan once.. The Aussies woke up for fajr
25. Iqbal went to madrassah once.. It got turned into a Darul Uloom
26. People started giving out Jalebi at Khatams because Iqbal has a sweet tooth
27. Gandhi adopted Satyagraha cos he didnt want to fight with Iqbal
28. Iqbal slaughters a bull for Qurbani ... himself
29. Iqbal has met joebanker from mxit in person...and organised sharia compliant finance for him.
30. The smileys on Iqbals mxit wear parda.
31. The other I in CII is for Iqbal
32. People give Kruger coins for Mehr. Iqbal gives Kruger Notes
33. Sanha certifies robertson spices. Iqbal certifies Sanha!
34. Iqbal is a messy eater. Last time he ran his fingers though his beard gift of the givers had enough rice for the burmese people
35. Iqbal gets haj visa. Every year
36. Iqbal AUTHORISES hajj visas
37. Iqbal sweats rosewater
38. Iqbal taught Maths to the Arabs
39. Iqbals wife gave mehr for him
40. Mathew Webb was the first man to swim across the English channel. Iqbal was the first man to spit paan across it.

Concerning Adaptations

My taste in music is becoming increasingly eclectic. Ive always been a bit anti mainstream (the biggest reason why I don't listen to radio) but nowadays I find myself listening to Turkish and Scottish music, interspersed with resistance stuff (mostly Immortal Technique and Iron sheik) My english music library is extremely outdated so I decided to listen to the U.K top 40. What I noticed is that there is a shit load of Christmas inspired songs (well, it was the December edition i downloaded)

This reminded me of an episode of south park where Cartman took regular songs and change them into Christian rock songs by adding key words like 'Jesus'. So, what if I do that but make Muslim versions of pop songs... I mean, whats the big deal - Naat reciters mercilessly steal Bollywood tunes . Here's two I did last year, and some new ones - you're welcome to add some in the comments page

My Zikr brings all the men to the mosque,
and they're like,its better than yours,
damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge

Aint nothin but a jihad, baaaaabay!
Two loced out arabs so wer'e craaaaazay!
72 virgins that waaaaaaits me!
Unfadable, so please dont try to fade this [hell yeah]

last Eid, I gave you my heart
but the very next day, you gave a talaq
This year, to save me from tears
I'm getting a muta marriage

i'm bringing Lillah back, yeah
you other NGO's dont know how to act, yeah
so dig in deep, go ahead and break that bank
but no hooplang baby, this aint no prank

You could be tabligh
and I wont know
but you werent tablighi the day you stood up for
all the jalebi that you wish you had not ate
feels haraam like the music in your head

now i need a barelwi song (because i'm impartial like that)

why did you have to go and make things so complicated
Ive seen the way you go to the mazaar, gets me frustrated
life like this,
you just read, and you grow and you shave and you fold and you turn it into
honestly, promise me you'll never find me I'm never gonna find you sinning

the songs parodied are
Milkshake - Kellis
Aint Nuthing but a G Thing - Snoop Dogg
Last Christmas - Wham
Sexy Back -- Justin Timberlake
You could be happy - Snow Patrol
Complicated - Avril Lavigne
Waseem came up with this gem
Ill take you to the Urs spot
We will listen to qawaalis alot
Lets eat the kebabs hot
Lets check what those purdah chicks got, woah!

Muslim Yo Momma Jokes

Went to Waseems chatbox (one of the funnier ones) and he put up an original Yo Momma joke. Its quite funny

Yo momma so fat, the genie from Aladdin had to grant her 4 wishes

Then I realised - we don't have any muslim 'yo mamma' jokes, so heres a few that I thought off

Yo momma so fat she couldn't perform haj because people were circling her!

yo momma is so fat, she makes ghusl in the Indian ocean

yo mommas fingers are so fat, she had to make a tasbeeh out of tennis balls

yo mommas so fat, when she raises her hands for takbeer she knocks out half the saf

Yo mommas so fat and ugly, when she was in Mina, they stoned her!

Yo mommas so fat, she has to pay five percent zakaat

Yo mommas so ugly, purdah became compulsory on her

yo mommas so old, she knew a Taba Taabi een

Yo momma so ugly, when she was born they had to play the azaan on the hifi because no one wanted to get close to her face

Yo momma so ugly, when your dad made nikkah, she paid him mehr

yo momma so fat, her miswaak is an oak tree

yo mommas so fat when she wears white people stop fasting and celebrate Eid

yo momma so fat she dont need anyone to complete her

yo mamma's so fat she qualifies as two witnesses.

yo momma so fat, her qabr had to be six feet wide

Some of my anons have also contributed and have come up with some gems

yo momma so fat, when she gets up from a fajr sajdah, its already esha time!

yo mommas so fat, when saudi saw her, they decreased the hajj quota to ONE!

yo mommas so disgusting, she farted and broke EVERYONES wudu!

yo mommas so fat, she went into the cave of hira and Got StUCK!


The Night Before Eid
(adapted from Clement Clarke Moore's A night before Christmas)

'Twas the night before Eid, when all through the house
Only Daadima was scuttling around in her yellowed beige blouse;
The musallahs were kept neatly next to the front door,
Lord knows those mats they put out down don’t protect you from the hard eid gah floor;

The girls were all tucked in, with mendhi on their palm,
the little boys were dreaming of killing sheep at the farm;
The burfee was ready, and so was the soap,to get rid of that sheep smell in a day… or so we hope

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
a jamaat from ladysmith were making our imaan their matter.
Away to the door I ran with my might,
To shut it quickly and switch off the light.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the top
a scuttle, a scurry and then a big drop .

As I reached for my gun, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Abdul Malik came with a bound.
He was dressed all in white, with a big bushy beard,
And his clothes were all messed with curry stains that smeared;
A large miswaak in his mouth, frayed and wet,
so that he looked like a Viking smoking a wooden cigarette.
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
No sign of a moustache – there was nothing to grow

He was chubby and plump, a portly sized dude,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my mood;
He pulled out a book, perhaps a classic by Dahl?
Who was I kidding, we all knew it was the Fazaail Amaal

I appreciated what they were doing but now was not the time
So I hastily turned them out, without a good reason or rhyme
But I heard him exclaim, resentfully as he left

May Allah give you hidayat, because verily you are bereft

Why Harry Potter is banned in Saudi Arabia ..

Harry Potter uses magic - all magic is haraam. Full stop.

Many off the men folk (Snape in particular) did not keep a waajib fist length beard. Haraam. Full Stop.

Harry and Ron are not Hermiones mahrams, yet she spends time with them alone. Haraam. Full Stop.

Girls are not wearing burkahs. Haraam. Full Stop.

Girls are in School. Haraam. Full Stop.

After Dumbledore dies, his picture appears in a portrait in the principals office, and the future principal can ask him for advice. This is shirk. Haraam. Full Stop.

Harry Potter has converted his miswaak into a wand. Haraam. Full Stop.

Harry Potter does not say Bismillah before performing a curse. Haraam. Full Stop.

The Metrosexual Muslims Eid Morning

….The night blankets the streets in silence. Somewhere down the road, an Indian ‘red-lines’ his VW city Golf. The tyres screech on the tar, scarring it, like a black crayon on a rain cloud. Somewhere in a small suburb in Durban, a cellular phone goes off. Asif grumbles, as he searches for the phone in his sleep. The phone lies on his dressing table, nestled between the men’s health and his topi. It’s on charge – undoubtedly due his ‘mxiting’ the night before (damn battery killing programme!) he scrambles to switch it off- its two thirty in the morning – and the house is asleep. ‘Gosh’, he exclaimed- ‘only an hour to get ready for Fajr’. Asif runs to the bathroom. ‘So many choices, so many choices. Do I rinse once then condition or just use a two in one? The organics has a nice smell, but the head and shoulders give me volume, which is vital, but I’m wearing a topi, so I don’t need volume… decisions, decisions’. Asif’s shower rack resembled his mothers spice rack, except that instead of an assortment of spices, he had cosmetics. He surveyed his nails proudly and thought to himself, ‘the guy reading Salaat next to me had the grossest nails. Half bitten, filthy. When he raised his finger for tashahud I felt like dying, like it was gonna jump out and attack me’. As he reached for his loofah, he realized that his shower gel had finished. Asif was horrified- he had read in Cosmo that normal soap dries out your skin- the sacrifices a young Muslim boy has to endure.
Meanwhile, next door, Osman was sleeping, dreaming of watching some of the soccer matches he taped in Ramadan because his dad didn’t allow him to watch (actually it was his mum, his dad just seemed to agree with whatever his mum said). Asif emerged out of the shower half an hour later. He scanned the mirror instantly, looking for telltale signs of dried skin (he had watched a national discovery channel special on tortoises the week before) ‘Why didn’t I buy shower gel’ he bemoaned as he tilted his body to the left.

If his shower rack resembled a spice cupboard, surely his dressing table resembled a chemical warehouse in Iraq before the U.N inspectors popped in. Moisturizers, of all sizes and aromas. Cream to remove lines from the eyes. Sticky pieces of paper to eliminate blackheads. Asif had his routine down to the last scrub. ‘Half an hour to fajr- where is my toner? And I have to moisturize as well, some uncle is going to dab some foul smelling Attar on my hands, I just know it. I don’t mind the nice smelling ones, but the strong black stuff that stays on your hand for three days and smells like an old Kitaab is just so not cool. Next Door, Ossies father knocks on his door quietly, ‘Son, wake up, I need the Musallahs, we going for the Springfield Eid Gah and those mats are like sandpaper’. A combination of hair mousse, salon gel and hair putty (that thing in a can that gives you the ‘just woke up look’) is applied mutinously to Asif’s scalp – These days it would seem that its harder to achieve a disheveled look as opposed to brushing neatly. Wardrobe choices stump poor Asif. He contemplates a black Kurtah with a white topi, or a White Kurtah with a gray Topi. ‘But I don’t have any shoes to match the white Kurtah, if I wear the grey topi, even though no one will see my shoes in the mosque, someones bound to notice when I’m outside. No No, Hmm – Eid Gah is gonna be outdoors, the white will look good with the sun rising, better put on a little more sunblock.

Random Thoughts between Rakaats

I Read my Taraweeh at The Westville Mosque. After every fourth Rakaat, we get to sit for a little longer while two old men crank out almost melodiously...almost " Subhanallahi Wa'lHamdullilah. It is usually this time when my mind wanders. This is what went through my head tonight

Gawd, I'm Hungry - Mum's akhni was a blessing tonight - too many samoosas and half moons, this past week. Wait, I cant believe that I actually enjoyed the Akhni so much. But Akne and sarbat , not a good idea. But now that i've had it, I wish we have pasta tomoro. Gawd i'm hungry- hope the brats haven't eaten my finni yet. MMM - Dhai Bhara's ( they probably finished as well- Dam extended family- acting like they fasted the whole day) OK - takbeer, time to get up. Hmm - Let me look menacingly at the kid sitting down next to me. Doesnt he know that Surah Faatiha is almost finished!

I need to sit somewhere else. The uncle next to me burped during the second rakat and blew it my way! My mouth was open and everything! I think he got the point when I stared at him after Salaat. The other Musallees probaby thought i was bonding with my left shoulder angel , and thats why I took so Long to say Salaam to it. I could tell exactly what this uncle had for iftaar just by looking at him and smelling his belch. Hmm - The crumbs on his beard imply samoosas or pie - probably pies as i can see some poppy seeds. the pink stain near his top pocket is definately Pink milkshake ( hmm - deep pink- must be that Dada's spice one that smells like vanilla essence. He definately had fish curry for iftaar ( my kryptonite) I could smell it in his hands when he raised them for takbeer. Thank God this guy isn't a Shaafi or any other mazhab that has multiple takbeers gestures. Sweet - Its the end of the eight rakaat, which means half the mosque will clear out, so i can jump two safs front - this feels like a game of snakes and ladders. I really dont know why people only read eight rakaats - come on guys - Ramadaan is once a year- read the full twenty you pansies!

Love. Lust. Lost. How profound! Oh Dam - break time over

Have to go to campus after this. Cursed journals can only be accessed from superbowl. Luckily the internet is faster now - The hordes of people sucking up bandwith to forward ther pointless "friendship is caring" powerpoint messages are all on mxit now. Oh No! The damn foreign students will be there watching Baseball on You tube and just being extra Loud - hope i packed my ipod. (What! its got nasheeds on it) Someones phone rings- Oh great - Candyshop is going to be playing in my head for the next two rakaats

Oh, I got an SMS. Hope its from someone important. I wish it isn't one of those Al Imdaad messages - Disaster in Tokyo - Earthquake kills three people in paddy field, send your millions to the family of these three victims - I want to check the message but the other musallees are going to think i'm logging onto mxit. Better make a dash for the Whudu Kanaa. I can drink water and check message at the same time
Wait a minute, we just read three Rakaats. That means Witr. Sweet! Akhni here i come