tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4950037392131804902024-03-05T10:46:51.407+02:00MJ's Muslim HumourJust a place to keep all my Muslim Humour stuffM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-38247658890709223232010-08-24T17:06:00.000+02:002010-08-24T17:08:16.149+02:00If Hashim Amla Played Soccer <div class="post-header"> </div> <div style="text-align: justify;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">If Hashim played soccer he would never dive
<br />
<br />If Hashim played soccer all matches on Thursday night will be moved. </span>
<br />
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font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> </div><p style="text-align: justify;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">If Hashim played soccer, they'd be sprinkling rose water over the players when they stand for the national anthem</span></p><div style="text-align: justify;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">If Hashim played soccer and he scored like Maradona, the commentators would call it the the "hand of Hazrath". But Hashim wouldn't take the goal. </span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-size:100%;">If Hashim played soccer we'd have to stop calling Benni fat and refer to him as Masha Allah</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-size:100%;">If Hashim played soccer then yellow cards would be replaced by 'Astaghfirullahs,' and red cards by 'naoozibillahs'. When you get a 'naoozibillah' you must sit on the taubah bench and reflect</span>
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font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal; text-align: justify;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:12pt;">If Hashim played soccer you would get a yellow card for drinking water while standing<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<br /><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:100%;" >If Hashim played soccer they would rename Cape towns stadium to Green Dome.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If Hashim played soccer, the 90 Minutes would be fardh time, with Extra Time being optional. </span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If Hashim played Soccer, he would encourage you to kick with your right leg. </span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If Hashim played Soccer, Instead of shaking the players hands before kick off, Sepp Blatter will put attar. </span><span style="font-family:arial;"></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I originally did this as a facebook status update so I got some great additions from <a href="http://iamminhaj.blogspot.com/">Minhaj</a></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If Hashim played soccer, the world cup would last for 40 days.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If Hashim played soccer, then yellow cards would be makrooh</span>
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<br />If Hashim Amla played soccer, then the Fifa countdown would be replaced by 'Insha Allah'
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">and from <a href="http://ever-great-waseem.blogspot.com/">The Great One</a></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:arial;">If Hashim played soccer, stadiums would have a purdah section</span>
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<br />MJ
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<br />(If you are going to e-mail this or bbm it, I'd appreciate it if you leave my name on it)
<br />
<br />
<br />www.mjkhan.co.za
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<br />Fell free to add in the comments. M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-90225262253502444582010-08-24T17:05:00.000+02:002010-08-24T17:06:38.023+02:00Wavin Flag - The MJ Version<h3 class="post-title entry-title"> <a href="http://www.mjkhan.co.za/2010/06/wavin-flag-mj-version.html">Wavin Flag - The MJ Version</a> </h3> <div class="post-header"> </div> <p style="text-align: justify;">So The idea here is that all the Arab countries are worried that the World Cup will steal the spotlight from them so what they do is take the Official Coca Cola Anthem (which should have been the World Cup Anthem and not that waka waka crap) and change it so it can be sung at Protest rallies. The original is by K'Naan and is called Wavin Flag. Like all my parodies - its easier to sing along if you have the original in the background<br /></p><p style="text-align: justify;">Ooooooh Wooooooh, Ooooooh Wooooooh</p><div style="text-align: justify;">Give me matches, give me fire, give me petrol, build a pyre<br />See the invaders, take the land now, you defy us, make us feel down<br />In the streets our cries are lifting, as we face the imposition,<br />Occupation, it surround us, every blockade, all around us</div><p style="text-align: justify;">Lighting whatever burns, lighting cloth to express concerns<br />Lets protest in the only way,<br />In the hopes that they go away.<br />We all say</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">When they find oil there, They will stay longer<br />They’ll call this freedom, just like a burnin’ flag</p><p style="text-align: justify;">and then it goes black, and then it goes black, and then it goes black</p><p style="text-align: justify;">and then it goes</p><p style="text-align: justify;">When they find oil there, They will stay longer<br />They’ll call it freedom, just like a burnin’ flag<br />So burn that flag, now burn that flag, now burn that flag</p><div style="text-align: justify;"> </div><p style="text-align: justify;">Oooohhh, Oooooooooh wooooohh, Oooooooooh wooooohh</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh<br />And everybody will be burning it<br />Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh<br />And we all will be burning it</p>MJM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-89328717219894176192010-08-24T17:03:00.000+02:002010-08-24T17:05:48.036+02:00The Top Ten Reasons Why The Soccer World Cup is Haraam.<div class="post-header"> </div> <div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">10.</span> The referee does not say Bismillah before blowing the opening whistle for kick off.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9.</span> Shakira is singing the official song and not Junaid Jamshed.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8</span>. The proposed Ashruf Ali Thanvi Eid Gah Stadium was turned down and Moses Mabhida was chosen instead.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7.</span> The Soccer ball is not SANHA approved.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> When you steal the ball by fouling you get a red card, but you do not get any lashes.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span> It is biased against Muslims because only one Muslim country is being represented. And they aren't even the ones who make sujood after every goal.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> There is a possibility that you will be having fun and as you know, having fun is haraam.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> It is sponsored by Greedy, Immoral capitalistic companies like Hyundai. (Toyota would have been ok because they make the Camry and the Corolla)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> The Vuvuzela is the Shaitaani equivalent of the trumpet that Israfeel will blow on the day of Qiyamaat.<br /><br />And the number one reason why the World Cup is haraam..<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hashim Amla does not play soccer. </span><br /></div><br /><br />MJ.M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-88822528625722522122010-08-24T16:34:00.001+02:002010-08-24T17:02:06.218+02:00What we do in taraweeh<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYz0QeBvOfjNmdCEBPDMDPEs-7tgILtorDrUul9ucEnXJvjtwwAyNy2Gl1uvj_0fDnEgUCRdR1Hsr-Yqe1OPBsyeuwzqcqsoqP4nqc8Gsjho3wrNb4P5nsDMxXypo7bXFjK6EZLEsWRp_/s1600/taraweeh.png"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 394px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsYz0QeBvOfjNmdCEBPDMDPEs-7tgILtorDrUul9ucEnXJvjtwwAyNy2Gl1uvj_0fDnEgUCRdR1Hsr-Yqe1OPBsyeuwzqcqsoqP4nqc8Gsjho3wrNb4P5nsDMxXypo7bXFjK6EZLEsWRp_/s400/taraweeh.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508984844121249282" border="0" /></a>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-27727529398777082722010-08-24T16:31:00.000+02:002010-08-24T16:33:36.662+02:00Michael Jackson Nasheeds - MJ Style (infomercial)Michael Jackson was not a Muslim.<br /><br />Now that we have established that, It would be fun to imagine what his songs would be like had he been one. Ive done this before with<a href="http://halaalmj.blogspot.com/2009/06/bob-marley.html"> Bob Marleys songs</a> so it seemed fun to try it with some Michael jackson songs too. Ive kept to the tune so it might help to have the original playing in the background if you would like to sing along.<br /><br />------------------------------------------------<br /><br /><br />Muslims around the world rejoice as the King of Pop releases his first Nasheed album since converting, and unlike Yusuf Islam - It hasnt taken him twenty years to do so. Replace that moonwalk for the Iqama shuffle. That silver glove for some leather socks and join Mikaeel as he sings about his experiences as a Muslim. All his great tracks - Now halaal!<br /><br />Who can forget popular tracks like his Hajj song,' <span style="font-weight: bold;">Wanna be circlin somethin'</span><br /><br />I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'<br />You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'<br />I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'<br />You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'<br />It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)<br />Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)<br />You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)<br />And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)<br />It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)<br />Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)<br />You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)<br />And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)<br /><br />To classics from the good old days with the 'Jackson Five'<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">'Blame it on the Biddah'</span><br /><br />My fiqh is always changin'<br />And it wouldn't be a bad thing<br />But I don't get no thawaab<br />And that's no lie<br /><br />We spent the night innovating<br />with every kind of dating<br />And from that night I kissed<br />My iman goodbye<br /><br />CHORUS:<br />Don't blame it on sunnah<br />Don't blame it on tafseer<br />Don't blame it on muftis<br />Blame it on the biddah<br /><br />To songs of Unity like this popular one<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dont matter if you Are Shiite</span><br /><br />Don't Tell Me You Agree With Me<br />When I Saw You making takfir of that man<br /><br />But, If<br />You're Thinkin' bout being my brother<br />It Don't Matter If You're are Shiite<br /><br />I Said If<br />You're Thinkin' Of<br />Being My brother<br />It Don't Matter If You are shiite<br /><br />I Said If<br />You're Thinkin' Of<br />Being My Hajibhai<br />It Don't Matter If You are shiite<br /><br />Mikaeels nasheeds are full of good messages, like this classic which reminds us to be wary of paying our Fitrah<br /><br />It's close to fajr and something heavy is weighing in your heart<br />You havent paid your fitrah, the Eid Gah is almost about to start<br />You try to rush but someone takes the tin before you make it<br />You start to freeze as they started reading the takbeer on the field<br />You're paralyzed<br /><br />'Cause this isnt Lillah, Lillah bhai<br />And this is obligation, its a wajib, its their right<br />You know it not Lillah, Lillah bhai<br />You're fighting for some time before the six takbeers and hugging outsideM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-23940710131122881422010-08-24T16:25:00.000+02:002010-08-24T16:31:29.590+02:00Read the Majlis much?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1qxodLvoxmjpth4494gnbMIKU6040FPRXlLZlPHfPUPM2MdCMNH0iuWoj6lrEfyC3bqhS0ytluZW_2cYM06qaYLaSExdGnU9z0CPVmBd9vFNFjPQNNOVLsARsH1OK4w0gx4DpcFupDGzZ/s1600/majlis.png"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 394px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1qxodLvoxmjpth4494gnbMIKU6040FPRXlLZlPHfPUPM2MdCMNH0iuWoj6lrEfyC3bqhS0ytluZW_2cYM06qaYLaSExdGnU9z0CPVmBd9vFNFjPQNNOVLsARsH1OK4w0gx4DpcFupDGzZ/s400/majlis.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508983901617807282" border="0" /></a>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-86336799557459331872010-08-24T16:24:00.002+02:002010-10-26T19:34:51.298+02:00Innapropriate Wedding TweetsSome folks feel the need to tweet everything they do. So i'm thinking - what if a guy who is addicted to twitter, tweets continuously on his wedding day?<br /><br />i'm guessing it will look something like this.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.facebook.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=270875360788&h=ec42eb7aa3c1cabd9a10870efd3aba11&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Fmahomedjunaid" target="_blank" title="https://twitter.com/mahomedjunaid"><span>https://twitter.com/mahome</span><wbr><span class="word_break"></span>djunaid</a><br /><br />For those not familiar with twitters template - the posts are in chronological order which means that you need to scroll down and and work your way up.<br /><br />Also - Ive included a time before each tweet.<br /><br />This ones dedicated to the birthday Girl, ms Samina Anwary and to the Queen of the tweets, ms Khadija Patel<br /><br />Heres a transcript so you dont have to click the link if you dont care much for twitters template<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">(morning) Big Day is here :D So excited. Must not forget to shave balls</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (08:30) Shoutout to @momo78666 @slumjedi and @taubah-later for kick-ass bachelor party last night. Those girls can bend</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (08:32) err Bachelor movie night watching step up 2. yeah - thanks for that one</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (9:00) Why are there so many effing kids in my house.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (10:00) Need a funky walk in. Something that says 'Look at Me'. Must think of one and tell sound guy.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (14:00) I dont see the point in packing an overnight bag.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (15:00) Getting my hair done. damn topi is going to mess up the gel.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (16:00) Oh crap. Does anyone know how to tie a tie? These damn youtube videos suck</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (16:30) Dam i'm looking good. How do I upload a twitpic?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (17:30) Entering Mosque. Bye Bye Freedom. hello Ball and Chain</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (17:47) How can this Moulana not bring a pen? Come on- its not your first nikkah signing. Bring Book and Pen. I didnt forget your envelope</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (17:50) Totally nailed those three words. MJ FTW! Stand in line and hug me bitches</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:00) Brides little sister shoved a glass of pink milkshake in my face. I'm saying pink and not strawberry bcoz this tastes nothin like it</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:05) Right - Ready to walk down. OH SHIT! forgot to organise a walk in. Hope they play something cool for me to walk down to</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:06) Flip! Kenny G.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:08) Who are all these old ladies that are hugging me. Smearing their bright red lipstick on my cheek. yeuckh!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:12) Enough of this now. I want to see my wife!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:13) The wife (I love saying this) is looking hot. I WIN!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:18) Feels weird sitting on the stage. Everyones looking at me. I feel like a monkey. Actually im just feeling for a banana</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:26) Who gave this old nob the mike? Its hot on stage. I need to signal someone to turn the airconditioning up.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:37) Ballie stop talking!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:46) This Salaami is taking long. My legs are starting to go numb. Brides Tab uncle is standing - much respect :D</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:53) Finally! we get some food. yes - theres coke. ALLAHUAKBAR!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (18:58) Brides not eating. Might need to get her some super C's or Red Bulls or something for later. lol.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (19:01) I think I have some green shit stuck in my teeth</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (19:25) Picture Time. Damn that zaheera aunty has a large family. They must have polished a deg on their own.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (19:56) How much longer will this take? I need to fart</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (20:45) Time for 'couple' shots. I feel a little silly in these poses. Hope I come out hot though - I need a new fb profile pic.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (21:03) wife is wishing family. Crying. Shes making me feel bad</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (21:05) wife brother is holding her and crying. haha fag!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (21:17) Finally! Onwards towards hotel driver. Hmm - changing fb relationship status to 'married'. UPDATE!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (21:43) Lying on bed. In my boxers. Wife is going to take all those pins and shit out of her hair and wear something sexy for me.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:17) What the fuck is this woman doing in there?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:19) should have packed a magazine or something. Maybe i'l log onto mxit for a few minutes. Oh look - engineering book by the TV</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:20) Insert Tab A into slot B. haha @taubah-later - you nob!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:23) Well hello gorgeous! Grooarr. Get on the bed woman! I want you all night long. I'm iron Man! I'l go for hours</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:24) Is that it?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:25) this sucks</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> (22:26) Wife dsnt seem too thrilled with performance. Turned over and gone to sleep. Oh well - might as well watch champ league highlights</span>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-28494419448753607362010-01-15T04:45:00.002+02:002010-01-15T04:47:44.178+02:00The Matrix - The Halaal Version Part Two<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">(This is a follow up piece to my </span><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://concerningmjk.blogspot.com/2008/05/matrix-halaal-version.html">original Matrix Parody</a><span style="font-weight: bold;">)</span><br /><br />A good parody is only as good as its source material, and before I start I have to say without any doubt in my mind that the Matrix Reloaded and the Revolutions are crap movies that lack the poignancy and philosophy of the first. Im not putting this disclaimer out there because i’m worried about the reception of this piece (i write because I love writing), but rather because I knowingly ignore large chunks of the movie as they hold little value to both the canon and often plot, as well as my parody of it.<br /><br />When we last left Neo, he had accepted his role as the One, and started posing a real threat to the Matrix. Back at Zion, The Grand Mufti requests that Morpheus address everyone. Lets pick it up from here<br /><br />Morpheus: Zion! Hear me! Testing! Testing! One two. Theres a quarter of a million people here, how are they supposed to hear me when I don’t have a microphone. Bilal, go fetch me the Azaan Mike.<br /><br />One Two! One Two! AK can you’rl hear me in the back?<br /><br />Ok, Ok, Bismillah. Zion! Hear Me! The machines have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home. We are in difficult times. We must have sabr, we must prepare for the mac....ok, one second, ND 5463 please remove your vehicle as it is blocking the driveway. ND 5463 White Corrola... where was I? Oh yah yah yah, we are in difficult times my brothers and sisters. We must prepare. Some of us don’t even know how to tune our worldspace to pick up channel Islam, how will we learn how to defeat the machines betah. We must seek knowledge even if we have to go to China, because everything is made there. But I am confidant that we will be ready. Zion! We will Be ready!<br /><br />Now straighten your saffs and turn your cellphones off. Bilal, make sharp with the Iqamah.<br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The next morning after Fajr, Neo leaves to visit the Oracle again.</span><br /><br /><br /><br />The Oracle: Well, come on. I ain't gonna bite ya. Its Monday, im fasting. Come around here, and let me have a look at ya. My goodness, look at you! You turned out all right, didn't you? Is that a daffa thobe youre wearing? Very Nice. How do you feel?<br /><br />Neo: I have many questions<br /><br />The Oracle: Have you tried Wikipedia?<br /><br />Neo: I don’t trust anything from a website anyone can edit.<br /><br />The Oracle: Thats the biggest problem with Web 2.0 – anyone can edit, and everyone has an opinion<br /><br />Neo: But isn’t all this freedom just another form of control? Its an illusion really, created by the machines to make us believe that we have choice. Like DSTV. 60 channels to watch but only one service provider<br /><br />The Oracle: Keep going.<br /><br />Neo: So what im saying is, how do I know what is real? How do i find my purpose?<br /><br />The Oracle: But you already know your purpose Neo, youve seen it in your dreams. The mainframe, Go to it. You will need the Keymaker to enter. He works for the Merovingian. This French Jackass I know. Try befriending him Neo<br />Neo: But How?<br /><br />The Oracle: I don’t know, add him on Facebook or something. He owns a Restaurant and a nightclub. Just google it and you’l find the address.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Neo, Trinity and Morpheus visit the Merovingian.</span><br /><br />Merovingian: Aha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself, right? And the legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course. I have heard so much, you honour me. Please, sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone. Something to eat? Try this new thing we have, its called Macon – all the rage. You look worried, don’t be, we have Certificate.<br /><br />Neo: No, thank you.<br /><br />Merovingian: Yes, of course.<br /><br />Morpheus: Put some on a doggy bag for me, betah. I’l take it home, i mean.. you know why we are here?<br /><br />Merovingian: Off course, its no big secret you know, This morning that idiot (points at Neo) tweeted about how he is going to get the keymaker, everybody knows why you are here. Its all cause and effect really. The Oracle calls it Taqdeer but I disagree. I prefer Causality. Let me tell you why. Lets just say its not in a persons taqdeer to have a child, but he makes Dua and his taqdeer changes and he has a son. Fifteen years later his son slaps some guy. Now, was it in that guys taqdeer to get slapped?<br />Now if you excuse me, I must go<br /><br />Persephone: Where are you going?<br /><br />Merovingian: Please, ma chérie, I've told you, we are all victims of causality. I ate that beans bunny and farted, now I must make whudu again. Cause and effect. Au revoir.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Then we have this pointless scene where Neo kisses Persephone, and they have this long drawn out highway action scene and whatnot, but eventually Neo gets to the mainframe ad meets the designer of the Matrix – an anthropomorphic programme called The Architect</span><br /><br />Architect to Neo: Welcome, I am the Architect. I designed the Matrix. As you can see behind you, I also have DSTV with all the bouquets.<br /><br />Neo: Yeah, but only one HD channel<br /><br />Architect: I CREATED THE MATRIX< NOT WINDOWS FRIKKIN XP. I’M NOT BILL FRIKKIN GATES!<br /><br />Neo: Why am I here?<br /><br />The Architect: Well, youre the ‘One’, Shit, I thought you would know<br /><br />Neo: Why am I here?<br /><br />Architect: Jesus Christ, is there an echo in here? Whats with the low self esteem man? Have some zam Zam, take two Prozac, and come back next time – the power in the adjacent buildings seem to be out. Must be load shedding. Dam Eskom!<br /><br />Neo: No! Why am I here?<br /><br />The Architect: OK. Look, Now youre just pissing me off. I mean, first of all, what makes you so damn special anyway? You don’t even have a beard.<br /><br />First you get the Hidayat<br />Then you get the Beard<br />Then you get the Hoors<br /><br />Or something like that. I PVR’D Scarface on Movie Magic One. Look, if you ask me one more time about your purpose im going to get mad and throw my remote at you. Then i’l just show Seinfeld reruns and then you’l see how evil the Matrix can be. I’m supposed to give you a choice now and you must choose between saving all the humans or saving your bitch but you irritate the shit out of me so please get the hell out of my Dining room.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Neo chooses to save Trinity and then gets lost in a Subway. Trinity and Morpheus go to the Merovingian in order to get him back.</span><br /><br /><br />Trinity: Wheres Neo?<br /><br />Merovingian: He is stuck with an Indian family at a train station<br />Trinity: There are Indians in the matrix?<br /><br />Merovingian: Who do you think handles tech support?<br /><br />Morpheus: Well, at least he isn’t hungry. Ive never seen an Indian travel without an Ice Cream container<br /><br />Trinity (opening her coat to reveal a bomb strapped to her chest) Release him or we all die.<br /><br />Merovingian: Suicide Bomber? How Cliched. Why do you insist on perpetuating these stereotypes. Fine Fine, i’l release your precious saviour. No need to make a mess.<br /><br />At this point Neo and Trinity realise that Smith (who ive conveniently left out so far) is the biggest threat to the machines so they decide to travel to Machine City in order to negotiate a ceasefire with the Machines. The machines know that Smith will destroy the Matrix so they agree to Neo fighting him in order to preserve their order. Neo fights Smith and allows Smith to assimilate him. This allows Neo to have a massive power surge of some sort and destroy all the Smiths thereby restoring order to the Matrix. Yeah, its impossible for me to islamify this bit so I wont even try. I don’t think its a cop out, I just think this movie is weak! I would have killed of Morpheus but thats just me :P<br /><br />MJ</div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-87309507183104573632010-01-15T04:45:00.001+02:002010-01-15T04:45:41.427+02:00Concerning Taraweeh Characters<div style="text-align: justify;">So here's something I notice during Taraweeh every year. You get all types of people reading it. I'd like to give them titles so here goes.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Waterhole Warrior</span> - These guys run to the taps or water cooler after every four rakaats. Water is healthy and im sure that theyre just doing it to rehydrate after a long day of fasting. But notice how long they linger around the water cooler. Reminds me of the Savannah really.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Rukhu Ninja</span> - This chap sits and waits until the imam goes into Rukhu. Then he jumps up and joins the jamaat, effectively cutting down his qiyaam in half.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Eight Rakaat Sleuth</span> - These Guys leave after eight rakaats. Because some people justify this based on fiqh understanding - I'l let the <a href="http://www.jamiat.org.za/downloads/posters/Taraweeh%20is%2020%20Rakaats.pdf">Jamiat handle it</a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Correction Kaliph</span> - This pretentious chap loves preying on Huffaaz who sometimes err. But its worse than that really - im not saying dont correct the guys. Please do. But sometimes these guys pause to catch their breath. Not that the Correction Kaliph cares about that. He just wants to show everyone how tight his Dhor is.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The High Speed Huffaaz</span> - If I was a nerd i'd probably say something like 'Shuaib read like he had 4 gbs of ram in him'<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Witr Watcher</span> - These are the kids who play 'catching game' during taraweeh but come running into the musjid for the last two rakaats and witr.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Gum Squelcher</span> - This is the guy who spends half his time trying to remove sesame seeds (from his haleem and naan binging at Iftar) from between his teeth. Almost like its a pasttime or something. Its very hard to concentrate when you have Captain Suction next to you.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Chair Mafia</span> - Ive got no problem with the guys who use chairs for a legitimate reason, but what I dont get is when I see healthy guys in their mid thirties who stand in their shop the whole day but will pull up a chair for taraweeh. Dont tell me they need the chair because theyve been working hard supervising their staff. These same guys play soccer at night out of Ramadan.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Burp Ballies</span> - ive discussed this one in detail <a href="http://concerningmjk.blogspot.com/2008/09/concerning-graphs.html">here</a> so no need repeating myself<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Mxit Master</span> - This chap checks his phone every two rakaats. I'd understand if you were a doctor on call or something, but if youve got less facial hair than your Grandmother, chances are youre not saving anyones life tonight. Put the phone away.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Snakes and Ladders Mussallee</span> - This guy jumps around the safs. It could be because he is looking for a cooler spot, or because he is filling the gap. But mostly because he has ADD<br /><br />Ive written about <a href="http://concerningmjk.blogspot.com/2008/09/concerning-graphs.html">27th Night Muslims</a> here so I wont repeat it. Im just happy they make the effort, even if its for one night. Allahu Alam.<br /><br />Big Day tomorrow - Voucher thing after Zuhr, and Iftar on the beach with the MSA guys followed by Joes birthday Supper so im going to end it here. You guys can leave comments if I have left anyone out.<br /><br />Heres my Taraweeh Theory - <span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></div><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The time taken to stand up for taraweeh is proportionate to the distance between you and the Imam.</span><br /></span></div><br />MJM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-79164401550440293872010-01-15T04:42:00.000+02:002010-01-15T04:43:10.235+02:00Disturbia Parody - MJ StyleAs with all my parodies it will help if you have the original playing in the background to help you with the tune<br /><br />The Original is 'Rihannas Disturbia'<br /><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">What's wrong akhi?</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why do I feel like this?</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I'm going crazy now</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">No tawheed, in the head, can't even get hidayah</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Nothing read, nothing shared, about jahanum fire</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Theres no scarf, on her head, not even black abbaya</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Feels like I'm going insane, yeah</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">It's belief in the fact that its all jadoo</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Its the tree on the hill that you turn to</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A disease of the mind, it can control you</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">He Just Buried his Daughter</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">take off your blinkers now, Read in the name of Your Lord</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Time to question how, we preach of no discord</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">There are signs for those who ponder</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Your lost in Jahiliya, it's like the darkness is light</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jahiliya, always putting up a fight</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jahiliya, time to set yourself right</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jahiliya, Jahiliya </span></span><br /><br />* Jahiliya refers to the time of ignorance that preceded Islam.<br /><br />MJM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-57881890840646219062010-01-15T04:40:00.000+02:002010-01-15T04:41:54.763+02:00MJ's Guide to Qurbani (the Do's and Donts)<div style="text-align: justify;">Qurbani tips<br /><br />Remove your watch before Cutting. Trust me on this one.<br /><br />Dress Practically. High heels in general are impractical. On a farm more so.<br /><br />When you think youve washed your hands with enough soap. Wash again.<br /><br />It might cross your mind that a handful of course salt and some sunlight is all you need to convert that discarded sheep skin into a comfy car seat cover. Dont be retarded.<br /><br />Stop cutting once you've severed the Jugular. There is no need to behead the animal. You are not uploading an Al Qaeda audition video<br /><br />When giving the sheep water, pour it into its mouth. do not sprinkle a few drops over it. You are not at a meelad<br /><br />When giving the sheep water, do not try to drown it either. Put down the hose. You are not a Police officer at a Civil Rights march.<br /><br />When your grandfather smiles at you affectionately and asks you if you played with the marbles, dont be snarky. He doesnt see you as a third year Bcom student. Youre still a child to him. You say 'yes Pappa', ask him to join you and immediately make dua that the senile fool doesnt take you up on it.<br /><br />Qurbani is not a competition. Neither is it a speed contest. You are not serving customers at a mcdonalds drive through. So take some time to make your intention before each slaughter. And try your best to avoid letting the sheep see their fallen comrades.<br /><br />The takbeer should be recited audibly, but you dont need to scream at the top of your lungs, especially if youre cutting on a farm with 20 families next to you. Simon Cowel isnt going to hand you a recording contract. Not even the Al Ansaar Bookshop. So dont be inconsiderate.<br /><br />If you want to teach a kid how to grab a sheep, dont teach them when theres only two left in the pen. Sheep are dumb, but eventually it hits them that their buddies are being snatched, and they get aggressive. So unless youre uploading this to youtube for all of us to see - dont let the kid into the pen for the last two sheep.<br /><br />Do you know the thing about most Ox stories... they are all the same! Yes, I know it takes six men and 9 metres of chain to subdue the animal. This is not an elimination chamber. Its an Ox, what do you expect? Ive heard my share of Ox stories. The day an Ox picks someone up and tombstone piledrives them then please let me know. Until then, please dont make me feign interest as you recall how the ox put up a fight.<br /><br />I love these spur of the moment notes - this should be printed in a Muslim newspaper :)<br /><br />MJ<br /><br />Eid Mubaruk to all :)</div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-13985525166762444942009-06-16T10:36:00.000+02:002009-06-16T10:37:09.687+02:00Bob MarleyLast year I did a parody blog and re imagined what <a href="http://concerningmjk.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-remember-meeting-yusuf-islam-for.html">Yusuf Islams songs would sound like after he converted to Islam</a>. Today I'l do the same with Bob Marleys stuff. If it does sound a bit weird its because I have kept the original tune. So basically you should sing this like a Rasta. Ya Man, it all be Aiiry<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Buffalo Soldier</span><br /><br />Bukhari Sharief, Hadith masta:<br />There was a Bukhari Sharief in the heart of Arabia,<br />Coming from Bukhara, brought to Medinah,<br />Fighting for the sunnah, fighting gainst the biddah.<br /><br />I mean it, when I analyze the chain -<br />To me it makes a lot of sense:<br />How the Hadith Masta wrote the Bukhari Sharief,<br />Coming from Bukhara, brought to Medinah,<br />Fighting for the sunnah, fighting gainst the biddah.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">No, Women, no Cry</span><br /><br />No, Nikkah, no pie;<br />No, Nikkah, no pie;<br />No, Nikkah, no pie;<br />No, Nikkah, no pie;<br /><br />Said - said - said: I remember when we used to pray<br />In the main hall in Orient school,<br />Oba - obaserving the hijabis<br />As they would mingle with the ghair mahrams from grade 12.4.<br />Good intentions we had, oh, good intentions weve lost<br />Along the way.<br />If you want to fornicate, you can forget jannah;<br />So no more zinnah, I seh.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Waiting in Vain</span><br /><br />I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal;<br />I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal.<br />From the very first time I stood up in taraweeh<br />My hunger was put on hold.<br />But I know, now, that 29 days have gone,<br />But the night sky is so fine:<br />So get Cape Town dialling on the phone,<br />cause I cant see this alone.<br />So New moon take my heed;<br />I wanna know if tomorrow is Eid.<br />I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal;<br />I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal.<br /><br />MJM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-11369088891374658152009-03-09T14:10:00.000+02:002009-03-09T14:55:19.714+02:00The Way I Are (MJ Style)<div style="text-align: justify;font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 176, 80);"><sindex style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" stype="صحابي" svalue="Abu Hurairah"><a name="Abu Hurairah11015" id="صحابي">This post is inspired by the following Hadith</a></sindex></span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(64, 176, 80);"><sindex style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" stype="صحابي" svalue="Abu Hurairah"><a name="Abu Hurairah11015" id="صحابي"></a></sindex></span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(64, 176, 80);"><sindex style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" stype="صحابي" svalue="Abu Hurairah"><a name="Abu Hurairah11015" id="صحابي"></a></sindex></span><blockquote><span style="color: rgb(64, 176, 80);"><sindex style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);" stype="صحابي" svalue="Abu Hurairah"><a name="Abu Hurairah11015" id="صحابي">Abu Hurairah, </a> </sindex><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> may Allah be pleased with him, reported: </span></span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(64, 176, 80);"><span class="matn" links="3506 3503"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust (may you enjoy welfare). Sahih Muslim</span></span></span></blockquote>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(64, 176, 80);"><span class="matn" links="3506 3503"></span></span>
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--> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> </div><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;">Adapted from The Way I Are by Timbaland</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I ain't got no beard
<br />I ain't got no status like the Ahlul Bait
<br />I can't even buy you attar
<br />But together we be the perfect soulmates
<br />Allahu Alam
<br />
<br />--Sister Keri Hilson --
<br />Oh
<br />Jaan, it's alright now
<br />You ain't gotta flaunt for me
<br />If you aint rich
<br />You don’t have to give mehr fathimi
<br />We can make a small nikah for just you and me
<br />make dua till finance is right</span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">-- Chorus -- </span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Baby if you pray, you can get your way</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> 'Cause I like someone with strong Taqwa</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> I'm about to pray Nafl everyday</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Can you handle me with my taqwa? </span>
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> I don't need GHD’s or The SUV’s</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Boy I like you just with good taqwa</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Let me see hijaab, or a big kitaab</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> 'Cause I like, I like, I like...</span></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> </span>
<br />-- Brother Timbaland --
<br />I ain't got no Hooplang
<br />I ain't got no Albaraka Shariah Fund
<br />We can't go for Umrah Yearly
<br />It don't matter 'cause i’l love you till qiyamat comes
<br />Talk to me girl
<br />
<br />- Sister Keri Hilson -
<br />Oh
<br />Jaan, it's alright now
<br />You ain't gotta flaunt for me
<br />If you aint rich
<br />You don’t have to give mehr fathimi
<br />We can make a small nikah for just you and me
<br />make dua till finance is right
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">- Chorus - </span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Baby if you pray, you can get your way</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> 'Cause I like someone with strong Taqwa</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> I'm about to pray Nafl everyday</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Can you handle me with my taqwa? </span>
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> I don't need GHD’s or The SUV’s</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Boy I like you just with good taqwa</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> Let me see hijaab, or a big kitaab</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">
<br /></span></span></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">'Cause I like you with that strong taqwa</span></span>
<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: justify; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span lang="EN-GB" style="color:black;"></span></p><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" > MJ</span> M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-37504496095253947452009-03-09T14:07:00.000+02:002009-03-09T14:08:06.848+02:00Mammoo Number 5<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">(Adapted from Lou Begas Mambo No 5)<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bhens and Bhaabis, this is Mammoo number five. </span><br /><br /><br />Ek, Do, Teen, Char, Paanch,<span style=""> </span>everybody look at me, and start to naach<br /><br />For a <span style=""> </span>Paki chow around the corner.<br /><br />The boys say they want chicken tikka but I really don't wanna.<br /><br />Bombay Crush like I had last week.<br /><br />Make no Jit 'cause Crerars <span style=""> </span>is Shit.<br /><br />I like Fazeela, Jameela, Shama and Sameeha.<br /><br />Sunni or Tabligh, I’l even jam a Shiaa.<br /><br />So what can I say? Its really hard to choose.<br /><br />I like stekkies with the big Laddoos.<br /><br />Pista Burfee lips, its never enough<br /><br />Come on Now, someone bang this Duff </p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chorus</span><br /><br /><br />A little bit of Jameela, thats a Vaar,<br /><br />A spicy bit of Nabeela like atchar.<br /><br />A little bit of Zahra, chasing me,<br /><br />A little bit of Asma’s all I see.<br /><br />A little bit of Azra in Purdah,<br /><br />A little bit of Nadia in my car.<br /><br />A little bit of Fathima here I come,<br /><br />A little bit of Mehr makes me mahram </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br />Mammoo number five.</p>MJM Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-33675040449386558972008-12-22T17:22:00.000+02:002008-12-22T17:34:22.963+02:00More Cyanide and Happiness<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxl_1mutgB0gIEQLrfpLsgbdgJNzZo8MSCCC901lGqRixn_6SiZkwXTPt4kL8-oLxIhInfLdjFlKQuo5FjQYeUc4dqxkTej4tn1dHmWy37pdMTQa6tZSgHO1tzP7RG1vl4ZohyphenhyphenvOsA-fib/s1600-h/candy2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5282638024927012562" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 139px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxl_1mutgB0gIEQLrfpLsgbdgJNzZo8MSCCC901lGqRixn_6SiZkwXTPt4kL8-oLxIhInfLdjFlKQuo5FjQYeUc4dqxkTej4tn1dHmWy37pdMTQa6tZSgHO1tzP7RG1vl4ZohyphenhyphenvOsA-fib/s400/candy2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-65639935761699229452008-08-02T16:07:00.003+02:002008-08-02T16:21:56.152+02:00Uncle Iqbals interpretations of Popular Nursery Rhymes<div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">Jack and Jill went up the Hill<br />to fetch a pail of water<br />Jack fell down and broke his crown<br />and Jill came tumbling after<br /></span><br />Uncle Iqbal: Jack should a not be fetching the water. This is the job of the woman. They scooped the water and Jack did not say Bismillah. Allah punish Jack, He fall and broke his head. We make duaa that Jack get Hidayat and leave the kitchen work to the womenfolk.<br /><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Baa, baa, black sheep,<br />Have you any wool?<br />Yes sir, yes sir,<br />Three bags full;<br />One for the master,<br />And one for the dame,<br />And one for the little boy<br />Who lives down the lane.<br /></span><br />Uncle Iqbal: Ok, Ok. This one poem rhyme is for the bakri Eid. Allah tells us in Quran that the sheep must be divided one three ways. For You, for youre family, and for the poor. Yes, it is most important we giving the poor. Hazrath Ibrahim he going to be cutting his son but he cutting the sheep instead. Male sheep from Jannat. Maybe one day, Insha Allah if we make duaa, that Jack boy go Jannat too.<br /><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.<br />Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.<br />All the king's horses and all the king's men<br />Couldn't put Humpty together again!<br /></span><br />Uncle Iqbal: OK, Again with the Jack boy, same problem, same solution. This one is the job for the womenfolk. What do men know about eggs? Do we cook? Do we clean? No! Our job is to work, and the womenfolk be sorting the eggs. It was in the eggs taqdeer to fall. Alhumdulillah. We dont question Allahs will.</div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-46787096800712465572008-07-10T17:29:00.003+02:002008-12-10T14:03:46.698+02:00Cyanide and MJ - The Muslim Ones<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvf2GmqsJvBBcea_964vbRWci3fNbiiEl6wzDpiKXi1cs9GyT43lNWNebjVpmHRzThmaKjpf8WIuVGMC7Ys23fgG4_Sf7y8PL64mOIRo1zNpSDRYPbV-OhJbzbz_z_hIoaP6goXyjDFdWw/s1600-h/beard+cnH.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5221413008940143042" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvf2GmqsJvBBcea_964vbRWci3fNbiiEl6wzDpiKXi1cs9GyT43lNWNebjVpmHRzThmaKjpf8WIuVGMC7Ys23fgG4_Sf7y8PL64mOIRo1zNpSDRYPbV-OhJbzbz_z_hIoaP6goXyjDFdWw/s400/beard+cnH.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglPhqFdQ0b4RLV3f9bQMK4rwgwblqx8fXFQpBV1hkm1EgW_W8dFfcv9S6-ZTRHZWVix_OGuI9A_LDIUT6zldbIFd53nz2vyP1-5CqiXmbeqZSH-eDQu17uttn_d2gDLeXu4cPgBvNv_PRK/s1600-h/cyanide+and+mj+5.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5221413017120314594" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglPhqFdQ0b4RLV3f9bQMK4rwgwblqx8fXFQpBV1hkm1EgW_W8dFfcv9S6-ZTRHZWVix_OGuI9A_LDIUT6zldbIFd53nz2vyP1-5CqiXmbeqZSH-eDQu17uttn_d2gDLeXu4cPgBvNv_PRK/s400/cyanide+and+mj+5.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvPCHEHJCiRqGDQVhs8kvnUyetWFUCuuoDY4WBPYBjiu8pZRM3mI2idILUAn6nz_uvf0XQ49Ws6Tf8Ylzf8-Dmj6JlnReoUs4UfxpyYIR6G59uOaHzn5FRHLJvMYE8ZflXNLlmAZ7fBZx5/s1600-h/cyanide+and+MJ+-+1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5221413021792285634" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvPCHEHJCiRqGDQVhs8kvnUyetWFUCuuoDY4WBPYBjiu8pZRM3mI2idILUAn6nz_uvf0XQ49Ws6Tf8Ylzf8-Dmj6JlnReoUs4UfxpyYIR6G59uOaHzn5FRHLJvMYE8ZflXNLlmAZ7fBZx5/s400/cyanide+and+MJ+-+1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div> I have taken the popular Cyandie and Happiness Comics and hava appropriated them as a social commentary on Muslims. If the text is unclear and you would like a transcript, please leave a comment</div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-4501382300409917122008-06-18T22:54:00.000+02:002008-06-18T23:02:54.707+02:00Lord of the Rings - Halaal Version<div align="justify">MJ Khan</div><div align="justify"><br />Prelude</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Three years into the caliphate of Sami Yusuf, the cruel Shaitaan Sauron plotted against Muslims. Muslims were growing progressively weaker after the passing of the Rightly Guided Leaders. Sauron, sensing this vulnerability of the Ummah, made a ring, and in it he poured all his malice and evil, in an attempt to ensnare all the practicing Muslims on earth. Sauron grew stronger as Muslims weakened, but finally in the great alliance of Zain Bhikha, Sauron was defeated. However, the ring of Sauron was not destroyed, and what was fact, turned to legend. And legend had turned to myth, and for one thousand years, everyone had forgotten about the ring of evil. During this time, Europe stepped out of the dark ages, and with its progresses in technology, science and hedonistic consumerism, Sauron was able to regain his strength and started searching for his ring.Unknown to Sauron, Hafez Suleiman Nafsi unearthed the ring during one of his whirling dervish exercises. Not knowing its value, he called his Sheik, Buzrook Gandalf for spiritual guidance (and hopefully some monetary remuneration – rich sufi’s are a dying breed) Hazrath Gandalf, upon seeing the ring, screamed out Naoozubillah and snatched the ring from his ignorant mureed. He had to have a Mashurah with all the different ulema bodies and Muslim NGO’s. But first, he had to stop at Hobbitton for the annual Jalsa that his friend Bilbo Baggins threw. After all, he realized that you can’t save the world on an empty stomach, and the thought of tasting Bilbo’s world famous Dholl and rice filled his heart with warmth. This is where our story begins…</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">HOBBITON</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Hazrath Gandalf, rode his white steed Musafir, swiftly across the vast fields and paddocks of Hobbiton. It has been exactly a year since he saw his good friend Bilbo Baggins. Gandalf reflected affectionately, on their many adventures, defeating the Templars, conquering Constantinople and Spain. ‘Aah Good Memories’, thought Gandalf. Gandalf was going to be the guest of honour at Bilbo’s annual jalsa and Meelad. Even this great Honour could not suppress the burden he felt in his heart, nor could it lighten the weight he carried in his woolen pocket. ‘ Why didn’t I just go to a Daarool Uloom, instead of being self taught’, thought Gandalf. ‘That way I could have spent my time byhearting lectures by Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi instead of knowing about the significance of this cursed ring’. Not even the thought of the sweet cold Khier ( rice pudding) at Bilbo’s function, could make could brighten his spirits.The familiar yet captivating Athaan of Pippen welcomed Gandalf into Bag End. As he rode in, he saw Sam, the gardener making whudu at a rusty tap outside of Bag End. Sam, and his father have been the Baggins Gardener’s for many long years. Gandalf smiled affectionately at Sam, because even though Sam’s family were Black, the Baggin’s were good muslims who believed that everyone is equal in the eyes of Allah, ‘unlike those damn Dwarves’ thought Gandalf, ‘ acting holier than thou and calling all the other muslims Kuffar’. Gandalf sniggered to himself when he thought about the dwarves literal interpretation of the Qur’an. </div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">‘Asalaamu Ailakum Ya Akhi’, a voice bellowed in the distance. Out waddled a stout man, not larger than five feet tall – Hobbits were well known for their diminutive nature. ‘ Wa Alaikumusalaam Buzrook’ hollered Gandalf, as the two embraced. ‘Hope the Journey went well my brother?’ asked Bilbo? Sorry for not waiting for you – I had to deal with some Jehovah’s witnesses in my backyard’. ‘No problem Hazrath’ beamed Gandalf, ‘did you ask them to show you where exactly in the bible they talk about the trinity?’ ‘Why do you think I took so long’ replied Bilbo, with a gleam in his eye. ‘I dare say you have met my nephew Frodo, Gandalf? Good boy – gets all his Salaah on time, he kept all his fasts this year as well. He protects his modesty…. Aah good boy akhi, good boy, Masha Allah’. Gandalf motioned towards the Jamaat Khana and said, let us perform our Asr, I have important news to discuss.After the Fardh Salaat, Gandalf sat with Bilbo and explained everything. Frodo entered the room and smiled. ‘Frodo my son – get Uncle Gandalf and I some bhajjias and murkhoo. Good boy Good Boy, Masha Allah’. ‘You see Bilbo Saahib’, I have to tell the other Muslims – this is big news, bigger than that Moon sighting dilemma we had three years ago, bigger than that hajj Scandal too’. ‘I remember that’, piped Bilbo, ‘those stupid dwarves insisting we had to fast thirty days because they didn’t believe the elves saw the moon. No unity, no unity’ said Bilbo, shaking his head frantically. ‘Well’, said Gandalf, ‘I intend to leave tomorrow after Fajr Insha Allah’, I still have to find Moulana Aragorn first, last I heard he was making Ziyyarut in Verulam, visiting the house of Sheik Deedat’. ‘Aah Deedat, good boy, good boy – Masha Allah’ said Bilbo. ‘ Why don’t you take Frodo and his friends’ said Bilbo. ‘Let them do some Da’wah for a change. Jihad has been ordained on them’. ‘Then it is done’ proclaimed Gandalf, Tomorrow we make haste for the fourth holiest site in Islam, after Makkah, Medinah, Al Aqsa. Tomorrow we make haste for Rivendell.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">RIVENDELL – THE MASHURA OF ELROND</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">It seems that even though the various Ulema bodies cannot come to a consensus, regarding media and communications, they all have the latest in cellular technology, and everyone arrived in Rivendell timeously, except the dwarves, who stopped to read Zuhr but spent forty minutes trying to gauge which way was Qibla. As the name-calling began, we take our place at the entrance of the halka. Muslims of all different denominations start streaming in. The elvish Muslims from the Great woods, dwarves from Moriastaan, Sufi’s from all over Middle Earth. An entourage of men from Gondoristaan. Unfortunately it seems like no one bothered to inform the Shiaa’s. Each group huddled into little camps. The Great Woods elves started reciting some Islamic Rap, much to the dismay of the dwarves, who muttered ‘Bidaat, bidaat’ beneath their breath. A splinter group of men sat in the corner and whipped out their tasbees and started reading Zikr. It appears that they didn’t want to get involved in these affairs. The meeting commenced with the arrival of Moulana Aragorn and Moulana Elrond…</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Elrond : Asaalamu alaikum to all that have come in. I know many of you have traveled great distances to join us in this Mubaruk Istima to exalt the oneness of Allah.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Boromir : Alhumdulillah</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Gandalf : Actually we are here to discuss the Ring of Sauron, and to decide what to do with it. The ring is filled with fitnah- we have to destroy it</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Elrond : Right Right brother Gandalf, the Istima is next weekend Insh Allah. I forgot that Easter is next weekend. Maaf</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Mufti Gimli : There is no such ring, we do not believe in all this superstition and hocus pocus. I have not come across it in any of the Hadith Kitaabs, neither has it been mentioned by our great scholars of Islam</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Moulana Aragorn : That is because the Ring was created after the Wisaalat of Rasoolullah. You haven’t read about it because you only read books form the Indo – Pak region Mufti</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Boromir : Astaghfirulah</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Mufti Gimli : And what do you know AragornSahib? You’re beard is not even the Waajib fist length! Do not pollute my ears with your shirk.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Legolas : That Dawg is wack, aint no brudda gonna get ahead. Aight. Don’t worry Aragorn – the Nation of Elves, we got your back, word up to your mazhab</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Boromir : Subhanallah</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Mufti Gimli : Why are you imitating the Kuffar you ignorant elves. Allah’s wrath be on you. You don’t even have a beard. WaNaaoozubillah. And pull your pants up. We can all see your underwear. Have you no modesty. And your pants are below your ankles, fold them you kaafir. And your long long hair – like women. Disgusting!</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Legolas : Yo Dawg – The prophet has long hair. And speaking about women – where are all our sisters tonight. Why aren’t they here at the meeting? No Hijabbis in the hizzy?</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Mufti Gimli : A women’s place is in the home</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Moulana Aragorn : That isn’t true. Women were at the forefront of Islam during the prophet’s time you backward dwarf!</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Mufti Gimli : Fat Lot you can say Aragorn. Running around with Elronds daughter, without Nikkah – probably fornicating. Astagfirullah – Allah’s curse on you.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Gandalf : Brothers, keep your personal issues at bay, we have to decide what to do with this ring. We have just learnt that Saruman the wise is in cahoots with Sauron</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Boromir : Astaghfirullah</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Mufti Gimli : Saruman! That Kuffarri Zionist. I never trusted that one.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Legolas : Does that Boromir say anything else? That crackers vocab is lacking dawg</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Aragorn : Gimli, How can Saruman be a Zionist – There is no Israel in Middle Earth</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Gandalf : ENOUGH!! We need to destroy this ring</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Boromir : Insha Allah</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Elrond : Cant we read Ayatul Kursi and blow on it or something?</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Gandalf : It can only be destroyed at the place where it was made. We have to travel to Mordor, passing treacherous lands, until we reach the fiery Crack of Doom where we shall thrust it.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Legolas : Sounds Whack</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Gimli : The Elf has a point. Best if we send those four Hobbits to destroy it. Allah will protect them</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Gandalf : They are too young to undertake this journey- we shall accompany them, besides, if its in my taqdeer to fall into a chasm in some abandoned mine shaft, so be it. Allahu Alam</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">And so the Fellowship departed from Rivendell, to destroy the ring. Stay Tuned for part two</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">MJ</div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-1365235021144494052008-06-18T22:50:00.000+02:002008-06-18T22:51:19.404+02:00Hey There Delilah<div align="center">Hey There Jameelah<br />Sung to the Tune of <a href="http://www.metrolyrics.com/hey-there-delilah-lyrics-plain-white-ts.html">Hey There Delilah</a> by Plain White T's</div><div align="center"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Hey there Jameelah<br />What's it like in Baghdad City?<br />I'm a thousand miles away<br />But girl, tonight I feel so shitty<br />Yes I do<br />The whole world faced its back towards you<br />I swear it's true</span><br />Hey there Jameelah<br />Don't you worry about the ordnance<br />and the cluster bombs are only<br />for your freedom I assure you<br />Close your eyes<br />the threat of WMD’s were our disguise<br />to capitalize<br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to seeOh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oil I want to see</span><br />Hey there Jameelah<br />I know times are getting hard<br />But just believe me, girl<br />Someday the U.N will step right in and<br />We'll have it good<br />We'll have the safety we knew we would<br />Our war is good<br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Hey there Jameelah<br />I've got so much left to do<br />Invade Iran, Sudan and the East<br />To give them democracy<br />Liberate them all<br />Even more evil dictators will fall<br />We'd have it all</span><br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">A thousand miles seems pretty far<br />But we’ve got tanks and armoured cars<br />We’d just nuke you if we had no other way<br />The world would all be sick of us<br />and we'll just laugh along because we know<br />That none of them could stop our show<br />Jameelah I can promise you<br />That by the time we get through<br />The world will never ever be the same<br />And we’re to blame</span><br />Hey there Jameelah<br />You be good and don't you diss me<br />Two more years and Iraq will self destruct<br />And We'll be making history like we do<br />You'll know it's all cause of GW2<br />We can do whatever we want to<br />Hey there Jameelah here's to you<br />This one's for you<br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oh it's oil I want to see<br />Oil I want to see</span><br />MJ </div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-77401799340556484182008-06-18T22:47:00.000+02:002008-06-18T22:48:43.100+02:00Matrix - The Halaal Version<div align="justify">Ive decided to keep the original names and settings, but rather change the dialogue (OK, so Trinity doesnt go with the whole Muslim feel, but hey - its a cool name so i'm keeping it). Also, I seem to be high on Cough Syrup as everything is swirling around me so not sure if any of this will make sense :P i'l just start typing and stop when I see double.<br />A computer screen.<br />We are on-line, on MIRC, on the Islam channel.<br />FootNSync: I heard Morpheus has been on this board.<br />Sexcchik786: Morpheus doesn't even exist and the Matrix is nothing but a scare tactic that parents use to frighten their kids like Mias farm<br />M3 ZN: Sexcchik a/s/l mwah<br />Sexcchik786: Get a life M3<br />Conspiracy Khalid: The Matrix is a euphemism for the government.<br />FootNsync: No, The Matrix is the system controlling our lives.<br />Mo Mo: You mean Shariah?<br />FootNsync: No, I mean Kajoor!<br />Digital Molvi: Kajoor Zinbabad!!!<br />Neo is sitting back, munching on some murkhoo and reading the whole conversation, while shaking his head. 'Chootias', he mutters as he crunches on a particularly crispy segment.<br />All of a sudden a message flashes up on his screen<br />Do you want to know what the Matrix is, Neo?<br />Neo is frozen when he reads his name.<br />If you want to know, follow the Arafat Keffiya.<br />Just then someone knocks on the door. Neo thinking that its SAFACT coming to raid his house for pirated software stays quiet. A second knock jilts him slightly but then he hears a familiar voice. 'Hey Akhi, open up. Its Iqbal'.<br />'What do you want Iqbal?' Neo asks quite bluntly<br />Iqbal - 'Do you have copies of the latest Sami Yusuf Akhi? We're really into the whole meditaranean thing right now. Gonna light a hubbly bubbly and chill'<br />Neo - 'Twenty Rands Iqbal, but remember, this is Awakening records and not some Pakistani studio so if you get caught with it, we never met'<br />Iqbal - dont worry Akhi, there is no copyright in Islam, this is a Jewish concept made to make Jewish companies like Microsoft rich. Why dont you join us? We just about to put the double apple and mint mix in the hookah - my personal favourite<br />Neo - No thanks man, maybe another time.<br />Neo then sees a Palestinian Keffiya wrapped around Iqbals bicep.<br />Iqbal sensing that Neo is staring at the scarf - Oh This. You like it? Latest fashion in Milan I hear. Allah u Akbar.<br />Neo joins them and they go to the Bombay to Beirut Restaurant to smoke a hookah. At the club a lady approaches him<br />Trinity - Asalaam u Alaikum Neo.<br />Neo - Wa Alaikumus salaam. How did you know my --<br />Trinity - I know a lot about you. I've been wanting to meet you for some time.<br />Neo - Who are you?<br />Trinity- My name is Trinity.<br />Neo - Jis-Laaik!<br />Trinity - What?<br />Neo I just thought... you were a guy.<br />Trinity - Most guys do.<br />Neo is a little embarrassed.<br />Neo Do you want to go somewhere and talk?<br />Trinity - no thanks. I dont walk with strange people, and you arent my mahram. Your life is in danger Neo, there is someone I want you to meet<br />Trinity takes Neo to see Morpheus<br />INT. ROOM 1313 Across the room, a dark figure stares out the tall windows veiled with decaying lace. He turns and his smile lights up the room.<br />Morpheus - Salaams Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. Please Behta. Come. Sit. Aaja.<br />They sit across from one another in cracked, burgundy- leather chairs.<br />Morpheus - I imagine, right now, you must be feeling a bit like youve just read three hundred rakaats of taraweeh. A little bit disoriented and tired?<br />Neo -You could say that.<br />Morpheus - hmm. Acha. I can see it in your eyes. Lets get into it. Do you believe in taqdeer, Neo?<br />Neo - No.<br />Morpheus - Why not?<br />Neo - Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.<br />Morpheus - I know exactly what you mean. As children, we do not separate the supernatural from the logical. We are told to learn only that which is given to us in our Madressah Books. Our Jusdaans represent the beggining and end of our learning. But I see that you read. You read therefore you are free Neo<br />Neo - Free from what?<br />Morpheus - From the Matrix.<br />Neo loocks at Morpheus's eyes but only sees a reflection of himself.<br />MORPHEUS Do you want to know what it is, Neo?<br />Neo swallows and nods his head.<br />Morpheus - It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from Haq.<br />Neo - What Haq?<br />Morpheus That you are a slave, Neo.<br />Neo - No Seriously Uncle, whats the Matrix?<br />Morpheus - Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.<br />Neo - How?<br />Morpheus - Hold out your hands.<br />Morpheus Holds two pills in his hands, a red and a blue pill.<br />Morpheus - This is your last chance. No going back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed with a massive erection that will go away four hours and life will continue. You take the red pill and it breaks the fast that you were in all this time.<br />Neo - The casings look like thay have bovine gelatin, are these pills even Sanha approved?<br />Morpheus - Its a matrix, A MATRIX! Just say bismillah and pop one in your mouth, I dont have all day to explain this to you. I havent read Esha yet. Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.<br />Neo opens his mouth and swallows the red pill.<br />We then see the sequence where Neo's body is released from the pod and he awakens to see Morpheus<br />Morpheus - Welcome, to the Dunya. We are aboard my ship, the Musafir. It is small, and cramped, but very homely. We are on our way to Zion, the last outpost for free men.<br />Neo - Why do you call it Zion?<br />Morpheus - There used to be some Natives carried over from the previous Matrix who used to live there but we occupied the land with our superior weaponry, hence Zion<br />Neo - Makes sense to me.<br />Morpheus - Before we do anything, we have to train you. Tank, load up the Jihad training.<br />Neo spends the afternoon learning wrestling, archery, stone throwing as well as how to fire an AK 47.<br />Morpheus - Now that you are prepared, we have to see the Oracle. She will guide you<br />They go to see the Oracle<br />Neo is seen in a waiting room of some sort, surrounded by kids who have either cancer or have just returned from Umrah. He sees a little boy bending a spoon, and is fascinated by this so he leans a little closer<br />Spoon boy - Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.<br />Neo - What truth?<br />Spoon boy - There is no spoon.<br />Neo - There is no spoon?<br />Spoon boy - Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.<br />Neo - Yeah, but its sunnat to eat with your fingers so I dont see why you think youre so special following the West. Astagfirullah<br />Neo is then led to the Oracle, who is in the kitchen busy preparing for Iftar<br />A Woman is huddled beside the fryer, peering inside through the starining device.<br />The smell of freshly fried mince samoosas colour the air<br />Oracle - Smell good dont they<br />Oracle - I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. Yar Hamakullah<br />Neo - Huh, why'd you say th.. [Neo then has a violent sneeze] Aachoo!<br />Oracle- Thats why.<br />Neo - How did you know?<br />Oracle - Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have sneezed if if I hadn't said anything?<br />MJ </div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-79560371877452612402008-06-18T22:42:00.000+02:002008-06-18T22:46:35.658+02:00Concerning Iqbal<div align="justify">I was researching the Vernon Koekemoer phenomenon last night, and I realised that it will be cool if we had our own Muslim Chuck Norris. So I created a character named Uncle Iqbal and modelled him initially around Leon Schusters 'Abdullah Rasbanja' from the Oh Schucks series. I played around with this idea last year when I took the piss out off myself with the <a href="http://concerningmjk.blogspot.com/2007/05/concerning-mj-facts.html">MJ Facts</a>, but for Uncle Iqbal I want it to be Muslim related stuff. I posted a few on my chatbox, and Legend, Great one and Archtype contributed so I decided to blog it here.</div><div align="justify"><br />Now - Most importantly - If you are going to come up with an Uncle Iqbal joke, make sure that it is not blasphemous. So dont say stuff like Iqbal reads eight rakaats fardh in fajr or Iqbal is the Mehdi or anything like that. And dont make it offensive to other religions</div><div align="justify"><br />Heres a few of the best<br />1. Iqbal appeared on Channel Islam once. Worldspace sales went up by six hundred percent that week<br />2. Iqbal wasnt involved in 9/11 because Iqbal never crashes<br />3. Iqbal occupies Israel!<br />4. Iqbals mum invented the samoosa when she taught Iqbal geometry<br />5. Iqbal translated once in an Ijtima.. As a result Pakistan became 100% Muslim state<br />6. After he met Iqbal the emperor was only known as Akbar<br />7. The tunes from Iqbals naaths are converted into Bollywood tracks<br />8. Iqbal squared Zam..<br />9. Iqbal pelts all 3 shaytaans with one stone at hajj<br />10. Iqbal was denied Visa for entering America, even though he was only travelling to Laudium<br />11. Iqbal beat up Chuck Norris because his beard wasnt Fist Length<br />12. Eid is not celebrated unless Iqbal has seen the moon<br />13. All of Zain Bhikhas songs are written by Iqbal. In his sleep<br />14. Iqbal only stands for salaatus salaam when he is in the mood, but when he does, you better get your ass up!<br />15. Iqbal has used the same miswaak since 1964. Incidentally, his teeth are always white even after he eats paan<br />16. Umshini wam was actually first sung for Iqbal when he singlehandedly defeated the soviets in Afghanistan<br />17. Iqbal is so rich, he gives Bill Gates Zakaat<br />18. Iqbal figured out the Da Vinci code by just looking at the cover. He still thinks that Dan Brown is a Jaahil<br />19. Iqbal ate two baddam - now he remembers everything from birth<br />20. Iqbal doesnt need a mussallah compass - he always knows which direction to face qiblah<br />21. Iqbal can eat fish curry for iftaar and still not smell funny during taraweeh<br />22. Iqbal doesnt drink Sarbat. Milk is immediately sweetened upon touching his lips<br />23. Jummah had to be moved to Ellis Park stadium because Iqbal was giving the Khutba<br />24. Iqbal gave Isha azaan once.. The Aussies woke up for fajr<br />25. Iqbal went to madrassah once.. It got turned into a Darul Uloom<br />26. People started giving out Jalebi at Khatams because Iqbal has a sweet tooth<br />27. Gandhi adopted Satyagraha cos he didnt want to fight with Iqbal<br />28. Iqbal slaughters a bull for Qurbani ... himself<br />29. Iqbal has met joebanker from mxit in person...and organised sharia compliant finance for him.<br />30. The smileys on Iqbals mxit wear parda.<br />31. The other I in CII is for Iqbal<br />32. People give Kruger coins for Mehr. Iqbal gives Kruger Notes<br />33. Sanha certifies robertson spices. Iqbal certifies Sanha!<br />34. Iqbal is a messy eater. Last time he ran his fingers though his beard gift of the givers had enough rice for the burmese people<br />35. Iqbal gets haj visa. Every year<br />36. Iqbal AUTHORISES hajj visas<br />37. Iqbal sweats rosewater<br />38. Iqbal taught Maths to the Arabs<br />39. Iqbals wife gave mehr for him<br />40. Mathew Webb was the first man to swim across the English channel. Iqbal was the first man to spit paan across it. </div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-33190480710222577942008-06-18T22:28:00.000+02:002008-06-18T22:42:21.774+02:00Concerning Adaptations<div align="justify">My taste in music is becoming increasingly eclectic. Ive always been a bit anti mainstream (the biggest reason why I don't listen to radio) but nowadays I find myself listening to Turkish and Scottish music, interspersed with resistance stuff (mostly Immortal Technique and Iron sheik) My english music library is extremely outdated so I decided to listen to the U.K top 40. What I noticed is that there is a shit load of Christmas inspired songs (well, it was the December edition i downloaded)</div><div align="justify"><br />This reminded me of an episode of south park where Cartman took regular songs and change them into Christian rock songs by adding key words like 'Jesus'. So, what if I do that but make Muslim versions of pop songs... I mean, whats the big deal - Naat reciters mercilessly steal Bollywood tunes . Here's two I did last year, and some new ones - you're welcome to add some in the comments page </div><div align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">My Zikr brings all the men to the mosque,</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">and they're like,its better than yours,</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">damn right its better than yours,</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">I can teach you, but I have to charge</span></div><div align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Aint nothin but a jihad, baaaaabay!</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">Two loced out arabs so wer'e craaaaazay!</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">72 virgins that waaaaaaits me!</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">Unfadable, so please dont try to fade this [hell yeah]</span></div><div align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">last Eid, I gave you my heart<br />but the very next day, you gave a talaq<br />This year, to save me from tears<br />I'm getting a muta marriage</span></div><div align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">i'm bringing Lillah back, yeah<br />you other NGO's dont know how to act, yeah<br />so dig in deep, go ahead and break that bank<br />but no hooplang baby, this aint no prank</span></div><div align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">You could be tabligh<br />and I wont know<br />but you werent tablighi the day you stood up for<br />all the jalebi that you wish you had not ate<br />feels haraam like the music in your head</span></div><div align="justify"><br />now i need a barelwi song (because i'm impartial like that)</div><div align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">why did you have to go and make things so complicated<br />Ive seen the way you go to the mazaar, gets me frustrated<br />life like this,<br />you just read, and you grow and you shave and you fold and you turn it into<br />honestly, promise me you'll never find me I'm never gonna find you sinning</span></div><div align="justify"><br /><br />MJ<br />the songs parodied are<br />Milkshake - Kellis<br />Aint Nuthing but a G Thing - Snoop Dogg<br />Last Christmas - Wham<br />Sexy Back -- Justin Timberlake<br />You could be happy - Snow Patrol<br />Complicated - Avril Lavigne</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">Waseem came up with this gem</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">Ill take you to the Urs spot</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">We will listen to qawaalis alot</span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">Lets eat the kebabs hot </span></div><div align="justify"><span style="color:#3366ff;">Lets check what those purdah chicks got, woah!</span></div><div align="justify"> </div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-17740393252975269792008-06-18T22:11:00.000+02:002008-06-18T22:28:32.554+02:00Muslim Yo Momma Jokes<p align="justify">Went to <a href="http://www.ever-great-waseem.blogspot.com/">Waseems</a> chatbox (one of the funnier ones) and he put up an original Yo Momma joke. Its quite funny</p><p align="justify"><br /><span style="color:#ff0000;">Yo momma so fat, the genie from Aladdin had to grant her 4 wishes</span></p><p align="justify"><br />Then I realised - we don't have any muslim 'yo mamma' jokes, so heres a few that I thought off</p><p align="justify"><br />Yo momma so fat she couldn't perform haj because people were circling her!</p><p align="justify"><br />yo momma is so fat, she makes ghusl in the Indian ocean</p><p align="justify"><br />yo mommas fingers are so fat, she had to make a tasbeeh out of tennis balls</p><p align="justify"><br />yo mommas so fat, when she raises her hands for takbeer she knocks out half the saf</p><p align="justify"><br />Yo mommas so fat and ugly, when she was in Mina, they stoned her!</p><p align="justify"><br />Yo mommas so fat, she has to pay five percent zakaat</p><p align="justify"><br />Yo mommas so ugly, purdah became compulsory on her</p><p align="justify"><br />yo mommas so old, she knew a Taba Taabi een</p><p align="justify"><br />Yo momma so ugly, when she was born they had to play the azaan on the hifi because no one wanted to get close to her face</p><p align="justify"><br />Yo momma so ugly, when your dad made nikkah, she paid him mehr</p><p align="justify"><br />yo momma so fat, her miswaak is an oak tree</p><p align="justify"><br />yo mommas so fat when she wears white people stop fasting and celebrate Eid</p><p align="justify">yo momma so fat she dont need anyone to complete her</p><p align="justify">yo mamma's so fat she qualifies as two witnesses.</p><p align="justify">yo momma so fat, her qabr had to be six feet wide</p><p align="justify"><strong>Some of my anons have also contributed and have come up with some gems</strong> </p><p align="justify">yo momma so fat, when she gets up from a fajr sajdah, its already esha time!</p><p align="justify">yo mommas so fat, when saudi saw her, they decreased the hajj quota to ONE!</p><p align="justify">yo mommas so disgusting, she farted and broke EVERYONES wudu!</p><p align="justify">yo mommas so fat, she went into the cave of hira and Got StUCK!</p>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-69785063238718259562008-06-18T21:25:00.000+02:002008-06-18T22:10:55.309+02:00Carols<div align="center">The Night Before Eid<br />(adapted from Clement Clarke Moore's A night before Christmas) </div><div align="center"><br />'Twas the night before Eid, when all through the house<br />Only Daadima was scuttling around in her yellowed beige blouse;<br />The musallahs were kept neatly next to the front door,<br />Lord knows those mats they put out down don’t protect you from the hard eid gah floor;</div><div align="center"><br />The girls were all tucked in, with mendhi on their palm,<br />the little boys were dreaming of killing sheep at the farm;<br />The burfee was ready, and so was the soap,to get rid of that sheep smell in a day… or so we hope</div><div align="center"><br />When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,<br />a jamaat from ladysmith were making our imaan their matter.<br />Away to the door I ran with my might,<br />To shut it quickly and switch off the light.<br />And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the top<br />a scuttle, a scurry and then a big drop .</div><div align="center"><br />As I reached for my gun, and was turning around,<br />Down the chimney Abdul Malik came with a bound.<br />He was dressed all in white, with a big bushy beard,<br />And his clothes were all messed with curry stains that smeared;<br />A large miswaak in his mouth, frayed and wet,<br />so that he looked like a Viking smoking a wooden cigarette.<br />And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;<br />No sign of a moustache – there was nothing to grow </div><div align="center"><br />He was chubby and plump, a portly sized dude,<br />And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my mood;<br />He pulled out a book, perhaps a classic by Dahl?<br />Who was I kidding, we all knew it was the Fazaail Amaal</div><div align="center"><br />I appreciated what they were doing but now was not the time</div><div align="center">So I hastily turned them out, without a good reason or rhyme<br />But I heard him exclaim, resentfully as he left</div><div align="center"><br />May Allah give you hidayat, because verily you are bereft</div>M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-495003739213180490.post-23957674187908573242008-06-18T21:07:00.000+02:002008-06-18T21:22:06.911+02:00Why Harry Potter is banned in Saudi Arabia ..Harry Potter uses magic - all magic is haraam. Full stop.<br /><br />Many off the men folk (Snape in particular) did not keep a waajib fist length beard. Haraam. Full Stop.<br /><br />Harry and Ron are not Hermiones mahrams, yet she spends time with them alone. Haraam. Full Stop.<br /><br />Girls are not wearing burkahs. Haraam. Full Stop.<br /><br />Girls are in School. Haraam. Full Stop.<br /><br />After Dumbledore dies, his picture appears in a portrait in the principals office, and the future principal can ask him for advice. This is shirk. Haraam. Full Stop.<br /><br />Harry Potter has converted his miswaak into a wand. Haraam. Full Stop.<br /><br />Harry Potter does not say Bismillah before performing a curse. Haraam. Full Stop.M Junaidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13359364064925543230noreply@blogger.com1