Friday, January 15, 2010

The Matrix - The Halaal Version Part Two

(This is a follow up piece to my original Matrix Parody)

A good parody is only as good as its source material, and before I start I have to say without any doubt in my mind that the Matrix Reloaded and the Revolutions are crap movies that lack the poignancy and philosophy of the first. Im not putting this disclaimer out there because i’m worried about the reception of this piece (i write because I love writing), but rather because I knowingly ignore large chunks of the movie as they hold little value to both the canon and often plot, as well as my parody of it.

When we last left Neo, he had accepted his role as the One, and started posing a real threat to the Matrix. Back at Zion, The Grand Mufti requests that Morpheus address everyone. Lets pick it up from here

Morpheus: Zion! Hear me! Testing! Testing! One two. Theres a quarter of a million people here, how are they supposed to hear me when I don’t have a microphone. Bilal, go fetch me the Azaan Mike.

One Two! One Two! AK can you’rl hear me in the back?

Ok, Ok, Bismillah. Zion! Hear Me! The machines have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home. We are in difficult times. We must have sabr, we must prepare for the mac....ok, one second, ND 5463 please remove your vehicle as it is blocking the driveway. ND 5463 White Corrola... where was I? Oh yah yah yah, we are in difficult times my brothers and sisters. We must prepare. Some of us don’t even know how to tune our worldspace to pick up channel Islam, how will we learn how to defeat the machines betah. We must seek knowledge even if we have to go to China, because everything is made there. But I am confidant that we will be ready. Zion! We will Be ready!

Now straighten your saffs and turn your cellphones off. Bilal, make sharp with the Iqamah.

The next morning after Fajr, Neo leaves to visit the Oracle again.

The Oracle: Well, come on. I ain't gonna bite ya. Its Monday, im fasting. Come around here, and let me have a look at ya. My goodness, look at you! You turned out all right, didn't you? Is that a daffa thobe youre wearing? Very Nice. How do you feel?

Neo: I have many questions

The Oracle: Have you tried Wikipedia?

Neo: I don’t trust anything from a website anyone can edit.

The Oracle: Thats the biggest problem with Web 2.0 – anyone can edit, and everyone has an opinion

Neo: But isn’t all this freedom just another form of control? Its an illusion really, created by the machines to make us believe that we have choice. Like DSTV. 60 channels to watch but only one service provider

The Oracle: Keep going.

Neo: So what im saying is, how do I know what is real? How do i find my purpose?

The Oracle: But you already know your purpose Neo, youve seen it in your dreams. The mainframe, Go to it. You will need the Keymaker to enter. He works for the Merovingian. This French Jackass I know. Try befriending him Neo
Neo: But How?

The Oracle: I don’t know, add him on Facebook or something. He owns a Restaurant and a nightclub. Just google it and you’l find the address.

Neo, Trinity and Morpheus visit the Merovingian.

Merovingian: Aha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself, right? And the legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course. I have heard so much, you honour me. Please, sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone. Something to eat? Try this new thing we have, its called Macon – all the rage. You look worried, don’t be, we have Certificate.

Neo: No, thank you.

Merovingian: Yes, of course.

Morpheus: Put some on a doggy bag for me, betah. I’l take it home, i mean.. you know why we are here?

Merovingian: Off course, its no big secret you know, This morning that idiot (points at Neo) tweeted about how he is going to get the keymaker, everybody knows why you are here. Its all cause and effect really. The Oracle calls it Taqdeer but I disagree. I prefer Causality. Let me tell you why. Lets just say its not in a persons taqdeer to have a child, but he makes Dua and his taqdeer changes and he has a son. Fifteen years later his son slaps some guy. Now, was it in that guys taqdeer to get slapped?
Now if you excuse me, I must go

Persephone: Where are you going?

Merovingian: Please, ma chérie, I've told you, we are all victims of causality. I ate that beans bunny and farted, now I must make whudu again. Cause and effect. Au revoir.

Then we have this pointless scene where Neo kisses Persephone, and they have this long drawn out highway action scene and whatnot, but eventually Neo gets to the mainframe ad meets the designer of the Matrix – an anthropomorphic programme called The Architect

Architect to Neo: Welcome, I am the Architect. I designed the Matrix. As you can see behind you, I also have DSTV with all the bouquets.

Neo: Yeah, but only one HD channel


Neo: Why am I here?

The Architect: Well, youre the ‘One’, Shit, I thought you would know

Neo: Why am I here?

Architect: Jesus Christ, is there an echo in here? Whats with the low self esteem man? Have some zam Zam, take two Prozac, and come back next time – the power in the adjacent buildings seem to be out. Must be load shedding. Dam Eskom!

Neo: No! Why am I here?

The Architect: OK. Look, Now youre just pissing me off. I mean, first of all, what makes you so damn special anyway? You don’t even have a beard.

First you get the Hidayat
Then you get the Beard
Then you get the Hoors

Or something like that. I PVR’D Scarface on Movie Magic One. Look, if you ask me one more time about your purpose im going to get mad and throw my remote at you. Then i’l just show Seinfeld reruns and then you’l see how evil the Matrix can be. I’m supposed to give you a choice now and you must choose between saving all the humans or saving your bitch but you irritate the shit out of me so please get the hell out of my Dining room.

Neo chooses to save Trinity and then gets lost in a Subway. Trinity and Morpheus go to the Merovingian in order to get him back.

Trinity: Wheres Neo?

Merovingian: He is stuck with an Indian family at a train station
Trinity: There are Indians in the matrix?

Merovingian: Who do you think handles tech support?

Morpheus: Well, at least he isn’t hungry. Ive never seen an Indian travel without an Ice Cream container

Trinity (opening her coat to reveal a bomb strapped to her chest) Release him or we all die.

Merovingian: Suicide Bomber? How Cliched. Why do you insist on perpetuating these stereotypes. Fine Fine, i’l release your precious saviour. No need to make a mess.

At this point Neo and Trinity realise that Smith (who ive conveniently left out so far) is the biggest threat to the machines so they decide to travel to Machine City in order to negotiate a ceasefire with the Machines. The machines know that Smith will destroy the Matrix so they agree to Neo fighting him in order to preserve their order. Neo fights Smith and allows Smith to assimilate him. This allows Neo to have a massive power surge of some sort and destroy all the Smiths thereby restoring order to the Matrix. Yeah, its impossible for me to islamify this bit so I wont even try. I don’t think its a cop out, I just think this movie is weak! I would have killed of Morpheus but thats just me :P


Concerning Taraweeh Characters

So here's something I notice during Taraweeh every year. You get all types of people reading it. I'd like to give them titles so here goes.

The Waterhole Warrior - These guys run to the taps or water cooler after every four rakaats. Water is healthy and im sure that theyre just doing it to rehydrate after a long day of fasting. But notice how long they linger around the water cooler. Reminds me of the Savannah really.

The Rukhu Ninja - This chap sits and waits until the imam goes into Rukhu. Then he jumps up and joins the jamaat, effectively cutting down his qiyaam in half.

The Eight Rakaat Sleuth - These Guys leave after eight rakaats. Because some people justify this based on fiqh understanding - I'l let the Jamiat handle it

The Correction Kaliph - This pretentious chap loves preying on Huffaaz who sometimes err. But its worse than that really - im not saying dont correct the guys. Please do. But sometimes these guys pause to catch their breath. Not that the Correction Kaliph cares about that. He just wants to show everyone how tight his Dhor is.

The High Speed Huffaaz - If I was a nerd i'd probably say something like 'Shuaib read like he had 4 gbs of ram in him'

The Witr Watcher - These are the kids who play 'catching game' during taraweeh but come running into the musjid for the last two rakaats and witr.

The Gum Squelcher - This is the guy who spends half his time trying to remove sesame seeds (from his haleem and naan binging at Iftar) from between his teeth. Almost like its a pasttime or something. Its very hard to concentrate when you have Captain Suction next to you.

The Chair Mafia - Ive got no problem with the guys who use chairs for a legitimate reason, but what I dont get is when I see healthy guys in their mid thirties who stand in their shop the whole day but will pull up a chair for taraweeh. Dont tell me they need the chair because theyve been working hard supervising their staff. These same guys play soccer at night out of Ramadan.

The Burp Ballies - ive discussed this one in detail here so no need repeating myself

The Mxit Master - This chap checks his phone every two rakaats. I'd understand if you were a doctor on call or something, but if youve got less facial hair than your Grandmother, chances are youre not saving anyones life tonight. Put the phone away.

The Snakes and Ladders Mussallee - This guy jumps around the safs. It could be because he is looking for a cooler spot, or because he is filling the gap. But mostly because he has ADD

Ive written about 27th Night Muslims here so I wont repeat it. Im just happy they make the effort, even if its for one night. Allahu Alam.

Big Day tomorrow - Voucher thing after Zuhr, and Iftar on the beach with the MSA guys followed by Joes birthday Supper so im going to end it here. You guys can leave comments if I have left anyone out.

Heres my Taraweeh Theory -

The time taken to stand up for taraweeh is proportionate to the distance between you and the Imam.


Disturbia Parody - MJ Style

As with all my parodies it will help if you have the original playing in the background to help you with the tune

The Original is 'Rihannas Disturbia'

What's wrong akhi?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No tawheed, in the head, can't even get hidayah
Nothing read, nothing shared, about jahanum fire
Theres no scarf, on her head, not even black abbaya
Feels like I'm going insane, yeah

It's belief in the fact that its all jadoo
Its the tree on the hill that you turn to
A disease of the mind, it can control you
He Just Buried his Daughter

take off your blinkers now, Read in the name of Your Lord
Time to question how, we preach of no discord
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
There are signs for those who ponder

Your lost in Jahiliya, it's like the darkness is light
Jahiliya, always putting up a fight
Jahiliya, time to set yourself right
Jahiliya, Jahiliya

* Jahiliya refers to the time of ignorance that preceded Islam.


MJ's Guide to Qurbani (the Do's and Donts)

Qurbani tips

Remove your watch before Cutting. Trust me on this one.

Dress Practically. High heels in general are impractical. On a farm more so.

When you think youve washed your hands with enough soap. Wash again.

It might cross your mind that a handful of course salt and some sunlight is all you need to convert that discarded sheep skin into a comfy car seat cover. Dont be retarded.

Stop cutting once you've severed the Jugular. There is no need to behead the animal. You are not uploading an Al Qaeda audition video

When giving the sheep water, pour it into its mouth. do not sprinkle a few drops over it. You are not at a meelad

When giving the sheep water, do not try to drown it either. Put down the hose. You are not a Police officer at a Civil Rights march.

When your grandfather smiles at you affectionately and asks you if you played with the marbles, dont be snarky. He doesnt see you as a third year Bcom student. Youre still a child to him. You say 'yes Pappa', ask him to join you and immediately make dua that the senile fool doesnt take you up on it.

Qurbani is not a competition. Neither is it a speed contest. You are not serving customers at a mcdonalds drive through. So take some time to make your intention before each slaughter. And try your best to avoid letting the sheep see their fallen comrades.

The takbeer should be recited audibly, but you dont need to scream at the top of your lungs, especially if youre cutting on a farm with 20 families next to you. Simon Cowel isnt going to hand you a recording contract. Not even the Al Ansaar Bookshop. So dont be inconsiderate.

If you want to teach a kid how to grab a sheep, dont teach them when theres only two left in the pen. Sheep are dumb, but eventually it hits them that their buddies are being snatched, and they get aggressive. So unless youre uploading this to youtube for all of us to see - dont let the kid into the pen for the last two sheep.

Do you know the thing about most Ox stories... they are all the same! Yes, I know it takes six men and 9 metres of chain to subdue the animal. This is not an elimination chamber. Its an Ox, what do you expect? Ive heard my share of Ox stories. The day an Ox picks someone up and tombstone piledrives them then please let me know. Until then, please dont make me feign interest as you recall how the ox put up a fight.

I love these spur of the moment notes - this should be printed in a Muslim newspaper :)


Eid Mubaruk to all :)