Friday, January 15, 2010

MJ's Guide to Qurbani (the Do's and Donts)

Qurbani tips

Remove your watch before Cutting. Trust me on this one.

Dress Practically. High heels in general are impractical. On a farm more so.

When you think youve washed your hands with enough soap. Wash again.

It might cross your mind that a handful of course salt and some sunlight is all you need to convert that discarded sheep skin into a comfy car seat cover. Dont be retarded.

Stop cutting once you've severed the Jugular. There is no need to behead the animal. You are not uploading an Al Qaeda audition video

When giving the sheep water, pour it into its mouth. do not sprinkle a few drops over it. You are not at a meelad

When giving the sheep water, do not try to drown it either. Put down the hose. You are not a Police officer at a Civil Rights march.

When your grandfather smiles at you affectionately and asks you if you played with the marbles, dont be snarky. He doesnt see you as a third year Bcom student. Youre still a child to him. You say 'yes Pappa', ask him to join you and immediately make dua that the senile fool doesnt take you up on it.

Qurbani is not a competition. Neither is it a speed contest. You are not serving customers at a mcdonalds drive through. So take some time to make your intention before each slaughter. And try your best to avoid letting the sheep see their fallen comrades.

The takbeer should be recited audibly, but you dont need to scream at the top of your lungs, especially if youre cutting on a farm with 20 families next to you. Simon Cowel isnt going to hand you a recording contract. Not even the Al Ansaar Bookshop. So dont be inconsiderate.

If you want to teach a kid how to grab a sheep, dont teach them when theres only two left in the pen. Sheep are dumb, but eventually it hits them that their buddies are being snatched, and they get aggressive. So unless youre uploading this to youtube for all of us to see - dont let the kid into the pen for the last two sheep.

Do you know the thing about most Ox stories... they are all the same! Yes, I know it takes six men and 9 metres of chain to subdue the animal. This is not an elimination chamber. Its an Ox, what do you expect? Ive heard my share of Ox stories. The day an Ox picks someone up and tombstone piledrives them then please let me know. Until then, please dont make me feign interest as you recall how the ox put up a fight.

I love these spur of the moment notes - this should be printed in a Muslim newspaper :)


Eid Mubaruk to all :)

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