Tuesday, August 24, 2010

If Hashim Amla Played Soccer

If Hashim played soccer he would never dive

If Hashim played soccer all matches on Thursday night will be moved.

If Hashim played soccer, they'd be sprinkling rose water over the players when they stand for the national anthem

If Hashim played soccer and he scored like Maradona, the commentators would call it the the "hand of Hazrath". But Hashim wouldn't take the goal.

If Hashim played soccer we'd have to stop calling Benni fat and refer to him as Masha Allah

If Hashim played soccer then yellow cards would be replaced by 'Astaghfirullahs,' and red cards by 'naoozibillahs'. When you get a 'naoozibillah' you must sit on the taubah bench and reflect

If Hashim played soccer you would get a yellow card for drinking water while standing

If Hashim played soccer they would rename Cape towns stadium to Green Dome.

If Hashim played soccer, the 90 Minutes would be fardh time, with Extra Time being optional.

If Hashim played Soccer, he would encourage you to kick with your right leg.

If Hashim played Soccer, Instead of shaking the players hands before kick off, Sepp Blatter will put attar.

I originally did this as a facebook status update so I got some great additions from Minhaj

If Hashim played soccer, the world cup would last for 40 days.

If Hashim played soccer, then yellow cards would be makrooh

If Hashim Amla played soccer, then the Fifa countdown would be replaced by 'Insha Allah'

and from The Great One

If Hashim played soccer, stadiums would have a purdah section


(If you are going to e-mail this or bbm it, I'd appreciate it if you leave my name on it)


Fell free to add in the comments.

Wavin Flag - The MJ Version

Wavin Flag - The MJ Version

So The idea here is that all the Arab countries are worried that the World Cup will steal the spotlight from them so what they do is take the Official Coca Cola Anthem (which should have been the World Cup Anthem and not that waka waka crap) and change it so it can be sung at Protest rallies. The original is by K'Naan and is called Wavin Flag. Like all my parodies - its easier to sing along if you have the original in the background

Ooooooh Wooooooh, Ooooooh Wooooooh

Give me matches, give me fire, give me petrol, build a pyre
See the invaders, take the land now, you defy us, make us feel down
In the streets our cries are lifting, as we face the imposition,
Occupation, it surround us, every blockade, all around us

Lighting whatever burns, lighting cloth to express concerns
Lets protest in the only way,
In the hopes that they go away.
We all say

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call this freedom, just like a burnin’ flag

and then it goes black, and then it goes black, and then it goes black

and then it goes

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call it freedom, just like a burnin’ flag
So burn that flag, now burn that flag, now burn that flag

Oooohhh, Oooooooooh wooooohh, Oooooooooh wooooohh

Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And everybody will be burning it
Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And we all will be burning it


The Top Ten Reasons Why The Soccer World Cup is Haraam.

10. The referee does not say Bismillah before blowing the opening whistle for kick off.

9. Shakira is singing the official song and not Junaid Jamshed.

8. The proposed Ashruf Ali Thanvi Eid Gah Stadium was turned down and Moses Mabhida was chosen instead.

7. The Soccer ball is not SANHA approved.

6. When you steal the ball by fouling you get a red card, but you do not get any lashes.

5. It is biased against Muslims because only one Muslim country is being represented. And they aren't even the ones who make sujood after every goal.

4. There is a possibility that you will be having fun and as you know, having fun is haraam.

3. It is sponsored by Greedy, Immoral capitalistic companies like Hyundai. (Toyota would have been ok because they make the Camry and the Corolla)

2. The Vuvuzela is the Shaitaani equivalent of the trumpet that Israfeel will blow on the day of Qiyamaat.

And the number one reason why the World Cup is haraam..

Hashim Amla does not play soccer.


What we do in taraweeh

Michael Jackson Nasheeds - MJ Style (infomercial)

Michael Jackson was not a Muslim.

Now that we have established that, It would be fun to imagine what his songs would be like had he been one. Ive done this before with Bob Marleys songs so it seemed fun to try it with some Michael jackson songs too. Ive kept to the tune so it might help to have the original playing in the background if you would like to sing along.


Muslims around the world rejoice as the King of Pop releases his first Nasheed album since converting, and unlike Yusuf Islam - It hasnt taken him twenty years to do so. Replace that moonwalk for the Iqama shuffle. That silver glove for some leather socks and join Mikaeel as he sings about his experiences as a Muslim. All his great tracks - Now halaal!

Who can forget popular tracks like his Hajj song,' Wanna be circlin somethin'

I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'
I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'
It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)
Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)
You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)
And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)
It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)
Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)
You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)
And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)

To classics from the good old days with the 'Jackson Five'

'Blame it on the Biddah'

My fiqh is always changin'
And it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no thawaab
And that's no lie

We spent the night innovating
with every kind of dating
And from that night I kissed
My iman goodbye

Don't blame it on sunnah
Don't blame it on tafseer
Don't blame it on muftis
Blame it on the biddah

To songs of Unity like this popular one

Dont matter if you Are Shiite

Don't Tell Me You Agree With Me
When I Saw You making takfir of that man

But, If
You're Thinkin' bout being my brother
It Don't Matter If You're are Shiite

I Said If
You're Thinkin' Of
Being My brother
It Don't Matter If You are shiite

I Said If
You're Thinkin' Of
Being My Hajibhai
It Don't Matter If You are shiite

Mikaeels nasheeds are full of good messages, like this classic which reminds us to be wary of paying our Fitrah

It's close to fajr and something heavy is weighing in your heart
You havent paid your fitrah, the Eid Gah is almost about to start
You try to rush but someone takes the tin before you make it
You start to freeze as they started reading the takbeer on the field
You're paralyzed

'Cause this isnt Lillah, Lillah bhai
And this is obligation, its a wajib, its their right
You know it not Lillah, Lillah bhai
You're fighting for some time before the six takbeers and hugging outside

Read the Majlis much?

Innapropriate Wedding Tweets

Some folks feel the need to tweet everything they do. So i'm thinking - what if a guy who is addicted to twitter, tweets continuously on his wedding day?

i'm guessing it will look something like this.


For those not familiar with twitters template - the posts are in chronological order which means that you need to scroll down and and work your way up.

Also - Ive included a time before each tweet.

This ones dedicated to the birthday Girl, ms Samina Anwary and to the Queen of the tweets, ms Khadija Patel

Heres a transcript so you dont have to click the link if you dont care much for twitters template

(morning) Big Day is here :D So excited. Must not forget to shave balls

(08:30) Shoutout to @momo78666 @slumjedi and @taubah-later for kick-ass bachelor party last night. Those girls can bend

(08:32) err Bachelor movie night watching step up 2. yeah - thanks for that one

(9:00) Why are there so many effing kids in my house.

(10:00) Need a funky walk in. Something that says 'Look at Me'. Must think of one and tell sound guy.

(14:00) I dont see the point in packing an overnight bag.

(15:00) Getting my hair done. damn topi is going to mess up the gel.

(16:00) Oh crap. Does anyone know how to tie a tie? These damn youtube videos suck

(16:30) Dam i'm looking good. How do I upload a twitpic?

(17:30) Entering Mosque. Bye Bye Freedom. hello Ball and Chain

(17:47) How can this Moulana not bring a pen? Come on- its not your first nikkah signing. Bring Book and Pen. I didnt forget your envelope

(17:50) Totally nailed those three words. MJ FTW! Stand in line and hug me bitches

(18:00) Brides little sister shoved a glass of pink milkshake in my face. I'm saying pink and not strawberry bcoz this tastes nothin like it

(18:05) Right - Ready to walk down. OH SHIT! forgot to organise a walk in. Hope they play something cool for me to walk down to

(18:06) Flip! Kenny G.

(18:08) Who are all these old ladies that are hugging me. Smearing their bright red lipstick on my cheek. yeuckh!

(18:12) Enough of this now. I want to see my wife!

(18:13) The wife (I love saying this) is looking hot. I WIN!

(18:18) Feels weird sitting on the stage. Everyones looking at me. I feel like a monkey. Actually im just feeling for a banana

(18:26) Who gave this old nob the mike? Its hot on stage. I need to signal someone to turn the airconditioning up.

(18:37) Ballie stop talking!

(18:46) This Salaami is taking long. My legs are starting to go numb. Brides Tab uncle is standing - much respect :D

(18:53) Finally! we get some food. yes - theres coke. ALLAHUAKBAR!

(18:58) Brides not eating. Might need to get her some super C's or Red Bulls or something for later. lol.

(19:01) I think I have some green shit stuck in my teeth

(19:25) Picture Time. Damn that zaheera aunty has a large family. They must have polished a deg on their own.

(19:56) How much longer will this take? I need to fart

(20:45) Time for 'couple' shots. I feel a little silly in these poses. Hope I come out hot though - I need a new fb profile pic.

(21:03) wife is wishing family. Crying. Shes making me feel bad

(21:05) wife brother is holding her and crying. haha fag!

(21:17) Finally! Onwards towards hotel driver. Hmm - changing fb relationship status to 'married'. UPDATE!

(21:43) Lying on bed. In my boxers. Wife is going to take all those pins and shit out of her hair and wear something sexy for me.

(22:17) What the fuck is this woman doing in there?

(22:19) should have packed a magazine or something. Maybe i'l log onto mxit for a few minutes. Oh look - engineering book by the TV

(22:20) Insert Tab A into slot B. haha @taubah-later - you nob!

(22:23) Well hello gorgeous! Grooarr. Get on the bed woman! I want you all night long. I'm iron Man! I'l go for hours

(22:24) Is that it?

(22:25) this sucks

(22:26) Wife dsnt seem too thrilled with performance. Turned over and gone to sleep. Oh well - might as well watch champ league highlights