Tuesday, August 24, 2010

If Hashim Amla Played Soccer

If Hashim played soccer he would never dive

If Hashim played soccer all matches on Thursday night will be moved.

If Hashim played soccer, they'd be sprinkling rose water over the players when they stand for the national anthem

If Hashim played soccer and he scored like Maradona, the commentators would call it the the "hand of Hazrath". But Hashim wouldn't take the goal.

If Hashim played soccer we'd have to stop calling Benni fat and refer to him as Masha Allah

If Hashim played soccer then yellow cards would be replaced by 'Astaghfirullahs,' and red cards by 'naoozibillahs'. When you get a 'naoozibillah' you must sit on the taubah bench and reflect

If Hashim played soccer you would get a yellow card for drinking water while standing

If Hashim played soccer they would rename Cape towns stadium to Green Dome.

If Hashim played soccer, the 90 Minutes would be fardh time, with Extra Time being optional.

If Hashim played Soccer, he would encourage you to kick with your right leg.

If Hashim played Soccer, Instead of shaking the players hands before kick off, Sepp Blatter will put attar.

I originally did this as a facebook status update so I got some great additions from Minhaj

If Hashim played soccer, the world cup would last for 40 days.

If Hashim played soccer, then yellow cards would be makrooh

If Hashim Amla played soccer, then the Fifa countdown would be replaced by 'Insha Allah'

and from The Great One

If Hashim played soccer, stadiums would have a purdah section


(If you are going to e-mail this or bbm it, I'd appreciate it if you leave my name on it)


Fell free to add in the comments.

Wavin Flag - The MJ Version

Wavin Flag - The MJ Version

So The idea here is that all the Arab countries are worried that the World Cup will steal the spotlight from them so what they do is take the Official Coca Cola Anthem (which should have been the World Cup Anthem and not that waka waka crap) and change it so it can be sung at Protest rallies. The original is by K'Naan and is called Wavin Flag. Like all my parodies - its easier to sing along if you have the original in the background

Ooooooh Wooooooh, Ooooooh Wooooooh

Give me matches, give me fire, give me petrol, build a pyre
See the invaders, take the land now, you defy us, make us feel down
In the streets our cries are lifting, as we face the imposition,
Occupation, it surround us, every blockade, all around us

Lighting whatever burns, lighting cloth to express concerns
Lets protest in the only way,
In the hopes that they go away.
We all say

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call this freedom, just like a burnin’ flag

and then it goes black, and then it goes black, and then it goes black

and then it goes

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call it freedom, just like a burnin’ flag
So burn that flag, now burn that flag, now burn that flag

Oooohhh, Oooooooooh wooooohh, Oooooooooh wooooohh

Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And everybody will be burning it
Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And we all will be burning it


The Top Ten Reasons Why The Soccer World Cup is Haraam.

10. The referee does not say Bismillah before blowing the opening whistle for kick off.

9. Shakira is singing the official song and not Junaid Jamshed.

8. The proposed Ashruf Ali Thanvi Eid Gah Stadium was turned down and Moses Mabhida was chosen instead.

7. The Soccer ball is not SANHA approved.

6. When you steal the ball by fouling you get a red card, but you do not get any lashes.

5. It is biased against Muslims because only one Muslim country is being represented. And they aren't even the ones who make sujood after every goal.

4. There is a possibility that you will be having fun and as you know, having fun is haraam.

3. It is sponsored by Greedy, Immoral capitalistic companies like Hyundai. (Toyota would have been ok because they make the Camry and the Corolla)

2. The Vuvuzela is the Shaitaani equivalent of the trumpet that Israfeel will blow on the day of Qiyamaat.

And the number one reason why the World Cup is haraam..

Hashim Amla does not play soccer.


What we do in taraweeh

Michael Jackson Nasheeds - MJ Style (infomercial)

Michael Jackson was not a Muslim.

Now that we have established that, It would be fun to imagine what his songs would be like had he been one. Ive done this before with Bob Marleys songs so it seemed fun to try it with some Michael jackson songs too. Ive kept to the tune so it might help to have the original playing in the background if you would like to sing along.


Muslims around the world rejoice as the King of Pop releases his first Nasheed album since converting, and unlike Yusuf Islam - It hasnt taken him twenty years to do so. Replace that moonwalk for the Iqama shuffle. That silver glove for some leather socks and join Mikaeel as he sings about his experiences as a Muslim. All his great tracks - Now halaal!

Who can forget popular tracks like his Hajj song,' Wanna be circlin somethin'

I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'
I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'
It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)
Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)
You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)
And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)
It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)
Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)
You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)
And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)

To classics from the good old days with the 'Jackson Five'

'Blame it on the Biddah'

My fiqh is always changin'
And it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no thawaab
And that's no lie

We spent the night innovating
with every kind of dating
And from that night I kissed
My iman goodbye

Don't blame it on sunnah
Don't blame it on tafseer
Don't blame it on muftis
Blame it on the biddah

To songs of Unity like this popular one

Dont matter if you Are Shiite

Don't Tell Me You Agree With Me
When I Saw You making takfir of that man

But, If
You're Thinkin' bout being my brother
It Don't Matter If You're are Shiite

I Said If
You're Thinkin' Of
Being My brother
It Don't Matter If You are shiite

I Said If
You're Thinkin' Of
Being My Hajibhai
It Don't Matter If You are shiite

Mikaeels nasheeds are full of good messages, like this classic which reminds us to be wary of paying our Fitrah

It's close to fajr and something heavy is weighing in your heart
You havent paid your fitrah, the Eid Gah is almost about to start
You try to rush but someone takes the tin before you make it
You start to freeze as they started reading the takbeer on the field
You're paralyzed

'Cause this isnt Lillah, Lillah bhai
And this is obligation, its a wajib, its their right
You know it not Lillah, Lillah bhai
You're fighting for some time before the six takbeers and hugging outside

Read the Majlis much?

Innapropriate Wedding Tweets

Some folks feel the need to tweet everything they do. So i'm thinking - what if a guy who is addicted to twitter, tweets continuously on his wedding day?

i'm guessing it will look something like this.


For those not familiar with twitters template - the posts are in chronological order which means that you need to scroll down and and work your way up.

Also - Ive included a time before each tweet.

This ones dedicated to the birthday Girl, ms Samina Anwary and to the Queen of the tweets, ms Khadija Patel

Heres a transcript so you dont have to click the link if you dont care much for twitters template

(morning) Big Day is here :D So excited. Must not forget to shave balls

(08:30) Shoutout to @momo78666 @slumjedi and @taubah-later for kick-ass bachelor party last night. Those girls can bend

(08:32) err Bachelor movie night watching step up 2. yeah - thanks for that one

(9:00) Why are there so many effing kids in my house.

(10:00) Need a funky walk in. Something that says 'Look at Me'. Must think of one and tell sound guy.

(14:00) I dont see the point in packing an overnight bag.

(15:00) Getting my hair done. damn topi is going to mess up the gel.

(16:00) Oh crap. Does anyone know how to tie a tie? These damn youtube videos suck

(16:30) Dam i'm looking good. How do I upload a twitpic?

(17:30) Entering Mosque. Bye Bye Freedom. hello Ball and Chain

(17:47) How can this Moulana not bring a pen? Come on- its not your first nikkah signing. Bring Book and Pen. I didnt forget your envelope

(17:50) Totally nailed those three words. MJ FTW! Stand in line and hug me bitches

(18:00) Brides little sister shoved a glass of pink milkshake in my face. I'm saying pink and not strawberry bcoz this tastes nothin like it

(18:05) Right - Ready to walk down. OH SHIT! forgot to organise a walk in. Hope they play something cool for me to walk down to

(18:06) Flip! Kenny G.

(18:08) Who are all these old ladies that are hugging me. Smearing their bright red lipstick on my cheek. yeuckh!

(18:12) Enough of this now. I want to see my wife!

(18:13) The wife (I love saying this) is looking hot. I WIN!

(18:18) Feels weird sitting on the stage. Everyones looking at me. I feel like a monkey. Actually im just feeling for a banana

(18:26) Who gave this old nob the mike? Its hot on stage. I need to signal someone to turn the airconditioning up.

(18:37) Ballie stop talking!

(18:46) This Salaami is taking long. My legs are starting to go numb. Brides Tab uncle is standing - much respect :D

(18:53) Finally! we get some food. yes - theres coke. ALLAHUAKBAR!

(18:58) Brides not eating. Might need to get her some super C's or Red Bulls or something for later. lol.

(19:01) I think I have some green shit stuck in my teeth

(19:25) Picture Time. Damn that zaheera aunty has a large family. They must have polished a deg on their own.

(19:56) How much longer will this take? I need to fart

(20:45) Time for 'couple' shots. I feel a little silly in these poses. Hope I come out hot though - I need a new fb profile pic.

(21:03) wife is wishing family. Crying. Shes making me feel bad

(21:05) wife brother is holding her and crying. haha fag!

(21:17) Finally! Onwards towards hotel driver. Hmm - changing fb relationship status to 'married'. UPDATE!

(21:43) Lying on bed. In my boxers. Wife is going to take all those pins and shit out of her hair and wear something sexy for me.

(22:17) What the fuck is this woman doing in there?

(22:19) should have packed a magazine or something. Maybe i'l log onto mxit for a few minutes. Oh look - engineering book by the TV

(22:20) Insert Tab A into slot B. haha @taubah-later - you nob!

(22:23) Well hello gorgeous! Grooarr. Get on the bed woman! I want you all night long. I'm iron Man! I'l go for hours

(22:24) Is that it?

(22:25) this sucks

(22:26) Wife dsnt seem too thrilled with performance. Turned over and gone to sleep. Oh well - might as well watch champ league highlights

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Matrix - The Halaal Version Part Two

(This is a follow up piece to my original Matrix Parody)

A good parody is only as good as its source material, and before I start I have to say without any doubt in my mind that the Matrix Reloaded and the Revolutions are crap movies that lack the poignancy and philosophy of the first. Im not putting this disclaimer out there because i’m worried about the reception of this piece (i write because I love writing), but rather because I knowingly ignore large chunks of the movie as they hold little value to both the canon and often plot, as well as my parody of it.

When we last left Neo, he had accepted his role as the One, and started posing a real threat to the Matrix. Back at Zion, The Grand Mufti requests that Morpheus address everyone. Lets pick it up from here

Morpheus: Zion! Hear me! Testing! Testing! One two. Theres a quarter of a million people here, how are they supposed to hear me when I don’t have a microphone. Bilal, go fetch me the Azaan Mike.

One Two! One Two! AK can you’rl hear me in the back?

Ok, Ok, Bismillah. Zion! Hear Me! The machines have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home. We are in difficult times. We must have sabr, we must prepare for the mac....ok, one second, ND 5463 please remove your vehicle as it is blocking the driveway. ND 5463 White Corrola... where was I? Oh yah yah yah, we are in difficult times my brothers and sisters. We must prepare. Some of us don’t even know how to tune our worldspace to pick up channel Islam, how will we learn how to defeat the machines betah. We must seek knowledge even if we have to go to China, because everything is made there. But I am confidant that we will be ready. Zion! We will Be ready!

Now straighten your saffs and turn your cellphones off. Bilal, make sharp with the Iqamah.

The next morning after Fajr, Neo leaves to visit the Oracle again.

The Oracle: Well, come on. I ain't gonna bite ya. Its Monday, im fasting. Come around here, and let me have a look at ya. My goodness, look at you! You turned out all right, didn't you? Is that a daffa thobe youre wearing? Very Nice. How do you feel?

Neo: I have many questions

The Oracle: Have you tried Wikipedia?

Neo: I don’t trust anything from a website anyone can edit.

The Oracle: Thats the biggest problem with Web 2.0 – anyone can edit, and everyone has an opinion

Neo: But isn’t all this freedom just another form of control? Its an illusion really, created by the machines to make us believe that we have choice. Like DSTV. 60 channels to watch but only one service provider

The Oracle: Keep going.

Neo: So what im saying is, how do I know what is real? How do i find my purpose?

The Oracle: But you already know your purpose Neo, youve seen it in your dreams. The mainframe, Go to it. You will need the Keymaker to enter. He works for the Merovingian. This French Jackass I know. Try befriending him Neo
Neo: But How?

The Oracle: I don’t know, add him on Facebook or something. He owns a Restaurant and a nightclub. Just google it and you’l find the address.

Neo, Trinity and Morpheus visit the Merovingian.

Merovingian: Aha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself, right? And the legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course. I have heard so much, you honour me. Please, sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone. Something to eat? Try this new thing we have, its called Macon – all the rage. You look worried, don’t be, we have Certificate.

Neo: No, thank you.

Merovingian: Yes, of course.

Morpheus: Put some on a doggy bag for me, betah. I’l take it home, i mean.. you know why we are here?

Merovingian: Off course, its no big secret you know, This morning that idiot (points at Neo) tweeted about how he is going to get the keymaker, everybody knows why you are here. Its all cause and effect really. The Oracle calls it Taqdeer but I disagree. I prefer Causality. Let me tell you why. Lets just say its not in a persons taqdeer to have a child, but he makes Dua and his taqdeer changes and he has a son. Fifteen years later his son slaps some guy. Now, was it in that guys taqdeer to get slapped?
Now if you excuse me, I must go

Persephone: Where are you going?

Merovingian: Please, ma chérie, I've told you, we are all victims of causality. I ate that beans bunny and farted, now I must make whudu again. Cause and effect. Au revoir.

Then we have this pointless scene where Neo kisses Persephone, and they have this long drawn out highway action scene and whatnot, but eventually Neo gets to the mainframe ad meets the designer of the Matrix – an anthropomorphic programme called The Architect

Architect to Neo: Welcome, I am the Architect. I designed the Matrix. As you can see behind you, I also have DSTV with all the bouquets.

Neo: Yeah, but only one HD channel


Neo: Why am I here?

The Architect: Well, youre the ‘One’, Shit, I thought you would know

Neo: Why am I here?

Architect: Jesus Christ, is there an echo in here? Whats with the low self esteem man? Have some zam Zam, take two Prozac, and come back next time – the power in the adjacent buildings seem to be out. Must be load shedding. Dam Eskom!

Neo: No! Why am I here?

The Architect: OK. Look, Now youre just pissing me off. I mean, first of all, what makes you so damn special anyway? You don’t even have a beard.

First you get the Hidayat
Then you get the Beard
Then you get the Hoors

Or something like that. I PVR’D Scarface on Movie Magic One. Look, if you ask me one more time about your purpose im going to get mad and throw my remote at you. Then i’l just show Seinfeld reruns and then you’l see how evil the Matrix can be. I’m supposed to give you a choice now and you must choose between saving all the humans or saving your bitch but you irritate the shit out of me so please get the hell out of my Dining room.

Neo chooses to save Trinity and then gets lost in a Subway. Trinity and Morpheus go to the Merovingian in order to get him back.

Trinity: Wheres Neo?

Merovingian: He is stuck with an Indian family at a train station
Trinity: There are Indians in the matrix?

Merovingian: Who do you think handles tech support?

Morpheus: Well, at least he isn’t hungry. Ive never seen an Indian travel without an Ice Cream container

Trinity (opening her coat to reveal a bomb strapped to her chest) Release him or we all die.

Merovingian: Suicide Bomber? How Cliched. Why do you insist on perpetuating these stereotypes. Fine Fine, i’l release your precious saviour. No need to make a mess.

At this point Neo and Trinity realise that Smith (who ive conveniently left out so far) is the biggest threat to the machines so they decide to travel to Machine City in order to negotiate a ceasefire with the Machines. The machines know that Smith will destroy the Matrix so they agree to Neo fighting him in order to preserve their order. Neo fights Smith and allows Smith to assimilate him. This allows Neo to have a massive power surge of some sort and destroy all the Smiths thereby restoring order to the Matrix. Yeah, its impossible for me to islamify this bit so I wont even try. I don’t think its a cop out, I just think this movie is weak! I would have killed of Morpheus but thats just me :P


Concerning Taraweeh Characters

So here's something I notice during Taraweeh every year. You get all types of people reading it. I'd like to give them titles so here goes.

The Waterhole Warrior - These guys run to the taps or water cooler after every four rakaats. Water is healthy and im sure that theyre just doing it to rehydrate after a long day of fasting. But notice how long they linger around the water cooler. Reminds me of the Savannah really.

The Rukhu Ninja - This chap sits and waits until the imam goes into Rukhu. Then he jumps up and joins the jamaat, effectively cutting down his qiyaam in half.

The Eight Rakaat Sleuth - These Guys leave after eight rakaats. Because some people justify this based on fiqh understanding - I'l let the Jamiat handle it

The Correction Kaliph - This pretentious chap loves preying on Huffaaz who sometimes err. But its worse than that really - im not saying dont correct the guys. Please do. But sometimes these guys pause to catch their breath. Not that the Correction Kaliph cares about that. He just wants to show everyone how tight his Dhor is.

The High Speed Huffaaz - If I was a nerd i'd probably say something like 'Shuaib read like he had 4 gbs of ram in him'

The Witr Watcher - These are the kids who play 'catching game' during taraweeh but come running into the musjid for the last two rakaats and witr.

The Gum Squelcher - This is the guy who spends half his time trying to remove sesame seeds (from his haleem and naan binging at Iftar) from between his teeth. Almost like its a pasttime or something. Its very hard to concentrate when you have Captain Suction next to you.

The Chair Mafia - Ive got no problem with the guys who use chairs for a legitimate reason, but what I dont get is when I see healthy guys in their mid thirties who stand in their shop the whole day but will pull up a chair for taraweeh. Dont tell me they need the chair because theyve been working hard supervising their staff. These same guys play soccer at night out of Ramadan.

The Burp Ballies - ive discussed this one in detail here so no need repeating myself

The Mxit Master - This chap checks his phone every two rakaats. I'd understand if you were a doctor on call or something, but if youve got less facial hair than your Grandmother, chances are youre not saving anyones life tonight. Put the phone away.

The Snakes and Ladders Mussallee - This guy jumps around the safs. It could be because he is looking for a cooler spot, or because he is filling the gap. But mostly because he has ADD

Ive written about 27th Night Muslims here so I wont repeat it. Im just happy they make the effort, even if its for one night. Allahu Alam.

Big Day tomorrow - Voucher thing after Zuhr, and Iftar on the beach with the MSA guys followed by Joes birthday Supper so im going to end it here. You guys can leave comments if I have left anyone out.

Heres my Taraweeh Theory -

The time taken to stand up for taraweeh is proportionate to the distance between you and the Imam.


Disturbia Parody - MJ Style

As with all my parodies it will help if you have the original playing in the background to help you with the tune

The Original is 'Rihannas Disturbia'

What's wrong akhi?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No tawheed, in the head, can't even get hidayah
Nothing read, nothing shared, about jahanum fire
Theres no scarf, on her head, not even black abbaya
Feels like I'm going insane, yeah

It's belief in the fact that its all jadoo
Its the tree on the hill that you turn to
A disease of the mind, it can control you
He Just Buried his Daughter

take off your blinkers now, Read in the name of Your Lord
Time to question how, we preach of no discord
Better think twice, your train of thought will be altered
There are signs for those who ponder

Your lost in Jahiliya, it's like the darkness is light
Jahiliya, always putting up a fight
Jahiliya, time to set yourself right
Jahiliya, Jahiliya

* Jahiliya refers to the time of ignorance that preceded Islam.